No doubt thanks to the subtle power of his smooth radio voice and even smoother newspaper prose—plus a refusal to worry too hard about hurting someone’s feelings or, maybe, violating their privacy—Oregonian sports columnist John Canzano has officially emerged as our nation’s best hope for getting our ample, jiggly, and pockmarked asses back into fighting shape.
I know this because I actually read one of Canzano’s columns this week. (A column that I’ve since dipped into a cup of silky supple egg whites, and then rubbed all over my belly and chest.) And in the column, Canzano offers a roadmap for how regular people like me and you can selflessly intrude on the private lives of the obese to help them get in shape.
Just listen to (actually, read) how Canzano says he helped a 445-pound man shed something like 271 pounds over the past two years. (Not that Canzano’s taking credit; oh no, not at all.) The man was a sports fan who chatted Canzano up one night in a parking lot and then left Canzano watching, haunted, as he very awkwardly struggled to stuff himself back inside his comically compact car.
Canzano was so horrified—and yet so magnanimous!—that he just had to do something about it. Even at the risk of coming off like a giant, meddling asshole!
It was an old Toyota Tercel. The person who had parked beside it, hadn’t left him much room. A normal-size person might have been able to slip into the vehicle, but Oneill couldn’t. So I watched, horrified, as he opened the passenger door, then wrestled himself across the car into the driver’s seat.
I couldn’t shake that disturbing sequence for days.
So much so that I asked my wife a few nights later if she thought it would be rude if I tracked Oneill down and asked him if he wanted help losing weight. Would I hurt his feelings? Would he slap me at the suggestion? Does he even want the help? In the end, I couldn’t not ask.
I called. “Please help me,” he said on the other end of the telephone.
Now, mind you, a lesser person might have actually cared whether it was appropriate to “track down” (through newspaper public records?) a stranger with a weight problem and bravely remind them how obvious it was. Not Canzano!
And, hey, now the man is dating again! And employed! And the subject of a newspaper column! Sure, he did all the work to actually, you know, lose the weight, and that really is honestly admirable, But remember none of it would have happened if Canzano didn’t TAKE ACTION.
See? Easy as pie!
Why are you being a dick about this?
I’m happy to see this, the torch has been passed from Ezra down to Dennis. It is so easy to hate on Canzano, but I so do enjoy seeing it done.
I dunno, Denis. I do understand the point you’re making…..however, I don’t think Canzano’s column was intending to be self-promoting. As you and Canzano both point out Mr Oneill “did all the work”. And, Canzano reached out to his blog community to see if anyone wanted to help Oneill lose this weight — and received numerous responses — to which Canzano gave credit and praise.
Your other point is that “tracking down” Oneill was “inappropriate”? Depends, I guess, on how he was tracked down — do you know the method Canzano employed to do this?
Yeah, it’s the Oregonian, I get it. They’re your rivals, I guess. They suck (generally). The Merc has a lot more journalistic integrity, does more in depth reporting, and is less beholden to corporate sponsorship (in my opinion). I read the Merc, I ignore the Oregonian. But still….
Canzano annoys me as much as the next guy, but since you guys are wannabe journalists as well, I have to ask. Did you happen to track down O’Neill and ask him what role Canzano played in his weight loss?
Sorry, Denis. Canzano wins this round.
THE IDEA OF JOHN CANZANO LOOKING AT ME IS ENOUGH TO PUT ME OFF MY APPETITE TOO!!
I’m just upset you had to link to Canzano’s article for this.
Canzano is an effing idiot.
It’s some seriously self-congratulatory bullshit that isn’t about sports in the slightest. It’s about him, and his influence, and his ability to change lives, such as it is. It’s as if he couldn’t wait for O’Neill to blog about what a catalyst Canzano was, so he turned it into an article himself. The narrative is less “Look at what O’Neill did” but more “Look at what I enabled! What with this blog and this radio show and this increasingly out-of-touch sports column!”
And if it was such a selfless act that Canzano was committing, why the fuck is it such a (poorly written) article in the first place? Hell, I know for a fact he’s got at least 3 or 4 co-workers at both The Oregonian and The Game who could have used his specific brand of inspiration in order to lose weight. Why isn’t he helping THOSE people? Is it solely because he doesn’t watch them squeeze into their cars as they leave work?
Of course this article was intending to be self-promoting. Everything he puts to paper is self-promotion. Everything he speaks into a microphone is self-promotion. Watch – if he’s still in this city in another 10 years, he’ll either have a) transitioned completely to political talk radio in the hopes of establishing his own Larsonian empire or b) he’ll have run for office.
Of course he’s self-promoting. Everyone these days is a self-promoter. That’s why goofy looking white boys call themselves “Fatboy” and “Ace.” That’s why Kiala twitters all day pretending to be a celebrity and Sarah Mirk kisses every ass in town. That’s how Amy Ruiz got a job for which she was the least qualified applicant.
Self-promotion is the name of the game.
So Canzano is a dumb-fuck, huh? That is totally unsurprising, but I wouldn’t know … because I DON’T READ THE FUCKING OREGONIAN. And you shouldn’t either.
Bets column Canzano’s written.
@Ke$ha. oh snap!
I some how saw it as a trailer (of a movie). What a big fuzz, it could be more fun if not for the nagging echoes of the narrative. If somebody would offer me help to get rid of these 3 pounds I have on me for working non-stop for 3 weeks, and getting my abs back, witha six pack, I would agree.
At least he did something
Hey Denis. You’re kinda being a douche right now.