In this week’s WW, newsy dude Corey Pein offers his theory on why Mayor Sam Adams decided not to run for re-election. (Don’t worry—it’s nothing you weren’t already aware of.) BUT! Because every WW story about Adams must contain at least one seething back-handed insult (they’re still sore about Adams not resigning when they told him to), Pein made sure to stick the following extremely labored metaphor at the end:

On July 31, a Sunday, the last day of what he called a “staycation,” Adams drifted in a blue inflatable raft down the Willamette River past crowds of Portlanders along the waterfront as part of a fundraiser for Willamette Riverkeeper, an environmental advocacy group.

Adams must have known that things would not be the same when he went back to the office on Monday. Two days earlier he had become a lame duck, and here he was, doing what ducks do best: floating.

CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK. Pull over! You’ve got a flat tire! Okay, so as labored metaphors go, that one was purrrr-etty good. But it could’ve been so much better! HERE’S MY ATTEMPT:

Two days earlier Adams became what we’ve always said he was: a LAME DUCK. And during the Big Float, he was doing what all ducks do— eating disgusting grubs from the river floor, and lamely paddling around in circles with his ugly webbed feet—WEBBED LIKE THE WEBS OF DECEIT AND LIES HE SPUN WHILE IN OFFICE.

Think you can top that labored metaphor? DO IT TO IT. (You’re not limited to labored metaphors about ducks, either!)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

7 replies on “Top that Labored Metaphor!”

  1. On July 31, a Sunday, Sam Adams pumped his legs in the fetid waters of the Willamette as he pondered a permanent vacation from politics: “Get a grip, Sam – you don’t have nine lives. In this election you’d have to rock in a hard place. It’s far more likely you’d be snagged on those rocks and get your wings, as they say. Who knows what the press would uncover this go-round? They’ve found the skeletons in your closet, but what about the toys in your attic? Those Willamette Week guys definitely don’t want to miss a thing.”

    “Whatever, as long as they don’t discover my love of Aerosmith, *that’s* where I draw the line.”

    Done with mirrors, Mayor Adams shook himself out of his introspection to assist a mallard that seemed be having trouble walking along the banks.

  2. Two days earlier, Adams was having a gay old time on the river, which is mostly free of invasive species. Because the only way we here at the WW would support a gay is if they’re running against someone with a foreign-sounding name.

  3. Two days earlier, Samdroid was emptying his was emptying his waste receptacle into the Willamette. Because that’s what gay android superheroes do, they piss in our cities and lisp “DOES NOT COMPUTE”.

  4. Two days earlier he had become a lame duck, and if he weighs the same as a duck, he’s made of wood, and therefore: A WITCH!

  5. I thought it was funny actually. Largely because as much as you pathetically slurp him and ignore his shortcomings, they try to butcher him. Nice job of journalism on both sides…..yours is just considerably more obvious.

  6. @The Showstopper: Apparently you haven’t been slurped for awhile, because you obviously don’t know what it means.

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