[Find the Mercury's 25th Anniversary Issue (in print) near you by using this handy-dandy map, and read all of our anniversary stories here.âeds.]
Hello, and thank you for coming to our very special 25th birthday Trash Report! Iâm Elinor Jones. Normally Iâd write about some current news and gossip, but since this issue will cover 25 years, so shall this column. And, because celebrity culture is nothing if not a competition for relevance, I have also ranked the years in importance.
Will we agree? We freakinâ better!
#25 - 2016
This was a consequential year. There was the delightful story of Olympic meathead swimmer Ryan Lochte lying about getting robbed in Rio de Janeiro, and it was also the summer that Taylor Swift briefly dated Tom Hiddleston and he went water-sliding with her friends in a T-shirt with her name on it. However, it was also the year that many beloved celebrities died, including Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, David Bowie, Alan Rickman, George Michael, and Prince, AND Trump won his first election. Overall, a highly cursed year.
#24 - 2007
While the blog Perez Hilton came onto the scene in 2004, it wasnât until this year when Britney Spears had a public breakdown and shaved her head, that his site really blew up, turning bullying celebrities online into a national pastime [Which the Mercury joyfullyâand now ruefullyâjoined.âeds] and darkening all of our souls in the process.
#23 - 2000
The first year that the Portland Mercury hit the stands is the same year that Elian Gonzalez was sent back to Cuba. Our younger readers may not realize that it used to be a huge deal when children were deported.
#22 -2011
Moments after his two terms as Governor of California ended, Arnold Schwarzenegger was reported to have fathered a child with his housekeeper while still married to his (now ex) wife Maria Shriver. For a moment it seemed that his legacy would be forever tarnished, but as a wealthy man, he is now totally fine.
#21 - 2010
Moments after winning an Academy Award for The Blind Side, Sandra Bullock found out that her then-husbandâa motorcycler?âhad been cheating on her with a bunch of women. Remember that happening? I barely did. I didnât even remember the guyâs name. Fuckinâ loser.
#20 - 2006
Mel Gibson was arrested for DUII and was recorded going on an antisemitic rant. We thought this one was gonna be a career-ender, too, but not only is he still working, he is now a special advisor to the same president who restored Gibsonâs gun rights despite a domestic violence conviction.
#19 - 2019
The college admissions scandal at the time felt like it was made in a lab for me specifically. Aunt Becky and Felicity Huffman bribed people to get their kids into not-even-the-best colleges?! I always knew it was happening, but knowing it was happening was delicious. Yum, yum, yum.
#18 - 2013
We love that when squeaky clean American sweetheart Reese Witherspoon was arrested for being drunk, she gave the cop a âdo you know who I am?â Because every last one of us, if we had even the slightest bit of clout, would have done the exact same thing, and she did us a solid by reminding us.
#17 - 2001
This year gave us the first Lord of the Rings movie AND the first of the Harry Potter movies, relaunching the cape manufacturing industry after centuries in decline.
#16 - 2015
Rachel Dolezal was the top story for admitting that she was a white woman who had assumed the identity of a Black woman. She walked as âtrans-racialâ so Hilaria Baldwin could run as a Spanish woman from Massachusetts.
#15 - 2024
Last year was pretty bleak but itâs hard to say what hindsight will reveal, so I had to put it in the middle. I mean, Brat summer was pretty fun.
#14 - 2009
Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift at the VMAs and nobody has shut up about it since.
#13 - 2002
This was the first year of American Idol and Kelly Clarkson won. I donât know why they kept going. Like, they did it. They found âthe American Idol.â Show over. Stop.
#12 - 2020
A real mixed bag, what with the onset of a global pandemic, but the absence of people being out and about got us spilling secrets, which is how we finally got confirmation that Ellen DeGeneres was a monster behind the scenes. Remember, we were several years into the Great British Baking Show at this point, and we needed a reminder that not all lesbians who throw on a blazer will offer words of encouragementâsome of âem are mean.
#11 - 2008
Barack Obama won the election this year. I understand that now he might seem like a marquee centrist, but at the time it felt revolutionary. You think Hamilton is cringe? You think the COVID-era Imagine video was cringe? Most of us spent the bulk of 2008 openly and sincerely weeping to a primary concession speech set to music by will.i.am featuring Scarlett Johansson. The most cynical middle-aged leftist you know was sobbing next to me at the bar when he won, and donât let them tell you otherwise.
#10 - 2017
The #metoo movement took off, which finally made public the despicable behavior of several powerful men, including Al Franken, Louis C.K., Matt Lauer, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Mario Batali, Garrison Keilor, James Franco, and Andrew Cuomo, among many, many others. We also watched a lot of men we know say nothing, and we have not forgotten.
#9 - 2018
Pete Davidson and Ariana Grandeâs romance crashed onto the scene with tons of media attention and even more quickie tattoos. They fizzled out just as quickly, but I know that if I got a stick-and-poke of a girl in a giant hoodie with a lollipop youâd know exactly what I am referencing. (Should I???)
#8 - 2012
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson had barely confirmed that they were an item after filming the Twilight series, and then K-Stew got papped making out with a (married) producer. Donald Trump was heavily invested in this story and tweeted about it frequently, which was fun at the time if you can believe it.
#7 - 2003
The war in Iraq started; three days later Adrien Brody won the Academy Award for The Pianist and kissed Halle Berry on the mouth.
#6 - 2023
Gwyneth Paltrow was on trial for allegedly plowing over a dentist on the ski slopes, and when the verdict came down in her favor, she whispered âI wish you wellâ to the motherfucker who crossed her, forever altering the meaning of the phrase to âtry me, bitch.â
#5 - 2021
One year into the COVID-19 pandemic, just as folks were starting to get vaccinated and back outdoors, celebrity supercouple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez reunited. The high of making plans to see your friends in person AND seeing that picture of Ben Affleck smoking a ciggie outside a hotel after clearly touching God in the bedroom?! And THEN Britney Spears was released from her conservatorship after 14 years! How many times that year did you say âWE ARE SO BACK!â We were wrong (we arenât back at all) but it sure felt good.
#4 - 2005
After months of rumors and speculation, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston confirmed that they were splitting up, and Brad was in a relationship with his Mr. and Mrs. Smith co-star Angelina Jolie. Internet news was barely functional at this point and I had to wait several days to read about it in a magazine. Can you believe how long we used to wait for hot takes? More like room-temp takes.
#3 - 2004
Justin Timberlake ripping off a piece of Janet Jacksonâs bodice during the Super Bowl halftime show is the whole reason that YouTube exists. Put respect on her name (but not his).
#2 - 2022
Nearly two decades after Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars, which seemed like the biggest non-consensual face contact weâd ever see at that event, Will Smith walked on stage and slapped Chris Rock across the face after he told a joke about Smithâs wife. The Academy reportedly has beefed up security so that things like that wonât happen again, not realizing how desperately we want something like that to happen again.
#1 - 2014
Speaking of slaps, the indisputably, most important thing that happened so far this century was when Solange slapped Jay-Z in the elevator at the Met Gala. I know weâve had to live through a lot of bullshit and sadness in this century so far, but also, we got the leaked footage of Solange slapping Jay-Z in the elevator. Good things have happened, and good things can happen again.
Gratefully,
Â
