1) Andy Richter will be joining Conan O'Brien as the new Tonight Show announcer—so will you people PUH-LEEZE stop acting like Conan's dead or something?

2) According to a CNN poll, 44 percent of you think tonight's speech from President Obama will be "good." That's somewhat down from his inaugural address when 72 percent of you predicted you'd "shit your pants."

3) The world now has Cheez-It Scrabble tiles!

4) Hey everyone I've ever dated! A dentist in Florida has invented something that will hopefully make you stop complaining about giving me a blowjob.

5) I look amazingly like Virgin CEO Richard Branson when he's wet!