Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones
dir. Lucas
Opens Thurs May 16
Various Theaters

It's unfortunate for George Lucas that Spider-Man came out before Attack of the Clones--'cause it kinda makes him look like a bad writer which he is. And while Spidey may not win any major statuettes, at least the flick shows that good characters make a good movie, and not just a bunch of computerized set-dressing. This is not to say Attack of the Clones completely sucks--that designation clearly goes to Episode I--but regardless of how much we want Lucas to reclaim the magic of Luke Skywalker series, facts is facts, and Clones kind of sucks.

It starts out promising enough: Anakin Skywalker (Future Darth Vader and present Jedi-in-training) and teacher Obi-Wan are embroiled in a Blade Runner-style mystery to find out who's trying to snuff the Nabooian princess, Padmè Amidala. When Obi-Wan flies off to investigate, Anakin starts showing off his boner to Padmè in an effort to kindle the romance hinted at in Episode I. While the hot and horny teens are mooning over each other, Obi-Wan discovers a political conspiracy that threatens to tear apart the Republic--that's where the army of clones comes in.

Now, if you're a Star Wars geek, Episode II offers plenty of ways to get your geek on. For example, we learn all about the political intrigue that sets the stage for the Luke Skywalker series, as well as finding out those holier-than-thou Jedi guys aren't as goddam smart as they think. You also get a buttload of back-story about minor characters such as Boba Fett, Yoda, Luke's foster parents, and even the universally despised Jar-Jar Binks (whose limited screen time doesn't make him any less annoying).

And while there are the occasional fun moments, the real problem comes down to a lack of interesting characters (i.e. Luke, Hans, Chewbaccahell, I'd even accept that admiral with the fish head). But as it stands now, Lucas' script has all the emotional underpinning of a Dick & Jane primer, and doesn't have a prayer of being rescued by Ewan McGregor, Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Portman, and especially that wholly untalented hunk-of-beef Hayden Christensen (Anakin). As usual, Lucas has built a glorious façade of a mansion--but there's no way I'd wanna live in it.