Austin Powers in Goldmember
dir. Roach
Opens Fri July 26
Various Theaters

Self-respect is weird. I mean, why is it called self-respect if you depend on others to get it? Take you, for example. You probably work in a job where you're under-appreciated and underpaid. And while you might think you have tons of self-respect, whenever your boss rolls around, you begin acting in ways that are totally unlike who you really are. Then you feel like crap. SEE? That's MY problem, too! I work for a newspaper, and since my boss is YOU, I figure I have to act smarter than I actually am whenever you're around--especially when writing movie reviews.

So I'm seeing the new Austin Powers movie, and I'm feeling like crap because I'm thinking you're thinking I'm supposed to hate it. Because c'mon! I hear you snorting with derision whenever any of those jackasses who impersonate Mike Myers are screaming, "Ohhhh, be-have!" And I see you rolling your eyes when that Mini-Me dwarf is whoring himself out to Taco Bell! So I'm quite naturally expecting you to expect me to hate Goldmember.

But I didn't. In fact, I kinda liked it. And yes, I'm ashamed, but the cold hard fact of the matter is--I LIKE poop and pee jokes. They make me LAUGH. I'm not proud of it, and every time they pulled a poop and/or pee joke, I tried to keep the laughter inside but I couldn't. Pee is funny. So is poop.

But there are two things that aren't funny in the movie, and they are Beyoncè Knowles as Foxxy Cleopatra, and Myers' newest villain from Holland, Goldmember. And the reason why they aren't funny is because people from Holland are never funny, and neither is Beyoncè Knowles. Another thing that isn't funny are all the jokes from the first two Austin Powers movies--which happily, are nowhere to be seen. Wait that's not true. The bad jokes are in the movie, but they've been improved upon to the point where they actually are funny. Especially the poop and pee jokes.

Another great improvement lies within the structure of the movie. It actually has one. Instead of the improvised mess of Austin Powers the First, or the repetitive nature of Austin Powers the Second, the jokes in Austin Powers the Third actually hit more often than they miss.

So if you're like me--sitting in Goldmember feeling slightly annoyed by the fact you're laughing at such elementary humor--well just try to accept yourself for who you are. As for me, my name is Wm. Steven Humphrey. And I like poop. And I like pee.