LOOK, I WASN’T EXPECTING great things from Zookeeper, the new movie starring Kevin “It’s Funny Because He’s Fat” James alongside a bunch of talking animals. I figured it would be a family-friendly comedy with a sweet streak, a hokey, predictable, comfort-food wisp of a movie about James wooing the girl of his dreams with the help of his animal buddies. I assumed there would be some groan-worthy puns, James would get hit in the nuts a few times, and somebody—the slimy ex-boyfriend, most likely, or perhaps the evil developer who wants to evilly turn the zoo into, like, an evil animal crackers factory or something—would land face-first in a pile of poop.
Instead, Zookeeper is a movie fit only for young, soft-brained children whose development you are intentionally trying to arrest. To make matters worse: There’s no nutshot. There’s no punning. There’s no evil developer character! (Come on, that’s a gimme!) Worst of all: No one lands face-first in a pile of poop… except YOU, the viewer.
One day, all the animals start talking to zookeeper Griffin (James). Not because of a magical amulet or ancient spell or anything—it simply turns out they could talk all along! Five years ago, Griffin was dumped by bitchy Stephanie (Leslie Bibb), but now she’s back in town because of somebody’s wedding, I guess? The whole wedding part is supremely confusing; there are, like, four gatherings that result from it, including a bike ride where all the characters pedal around the park for some reason. There’s also a reception with aerial ribbon dancers, so there’s a lengthy sequence in which James swings around on their ribbons—they don’t even make a monkey joke here, that’s how clueless the movie is.
Stephanie wants Griffin to quit zookeeping and sell cars. Meanwhile, Hot Lady Zookeeper (Rosario Dawson) is nice and sweet and doesn’t want him to do anything. Which one will he choose? You’re already miles ahead of this movie—oh, and you’ve got some poop on your face.
While it is entirely possible that this is not a very well put together film there are two things I would like to point out. One Rosairo Dawson is gorgeous so if she is in the movie for a considerable amount of time then it is going to have some moments of luminous joy. Two, nutshots are not funny.
I do not know if you are so brain dead from male posturing that you cannot relate to other men unless they are being harmed or if you are so desparate for pussy that you cannot relate to women unless you are supporting harming men.
As I suspect you are a man I think you may want to reconsider that position since you may end up on the wrong end of the comedy equasion of man + sexual assault = funny.
Yes, I called it sexually assault. It is an act of violence against a sexual organ. What else do you think it is?
This movie may not be the best but it should be lauded for choosing not to show sexual assault as a form of comedy.
It is a shame they missed out on having the villian fall face first into some poop. That is always funny.
@agayman: Being hit in the nuts is not sexual assault; there’s no sexual action involved. You’re the single stupidest person on the planet. I hope you get hit by a bus.
@ Graham: So out of 6.5 billion plus people on the planet, agayman is the “single stupidest person on the planet” and he deserves to be killed because YOU don’t agree with his pov, really? Wow, Nazi much?