Let this be a lesson to you, America, now seemingly in the autumn of your brief reign as the primary global power: The decline of the British Empire sure did some fucked up shit to those people. As far as I can see it—based exclusively on watching their movies, naturally—the once proudly stoic, stiff-upper-lip bunch have, in the last few generations, devolved into two distinctly disdainable camps: the fumblingly affable rogue with a certain gleam in his eye, and the character actor. Sickening, I know. I mean, for such a supposedly cynical nation, why is it that Britain’s chief cinematic export seems to be marginally charming, Hugh Grant-ian schlock?
Which brings us rather abruptly to Starter for Ten—a movie that supposes what might have happened had John Hughes grown up in England instead of Illinois, and had subsequently missed the mark more times than not. Starring that guy who played the hooved Mr. Tumingtonshire or whatever-the-fuck from that terrible Narnia movie, Starter for Ten follows the predictable adventures of Brian, a geeky seaside town “bloke,” as he fumblingly approaches his first year at Bristol University in 1985. Set to a familiar, if occasionally anachronistic ’80s college soundtrack (is it unfair to fault a film for the historical misuse of Cure singles?), Brian’s life begins to resemble an Archie cartoon when he is met with the task of choosing between Betty or Veronica—beautiful blonde seductress Alice (Alice Eve) and equally beautiful brunette brain Rebecca (Rebecca Epstein), respectively. Meanwhile, he is also pursuing his dream to be a contestant on the collegiate quiz show University Challenge. Along the way, Mr. Tumingtonshire holds up pretty well with an amiable Hugh Grant impression, even as the schmaltz begins to mount on all sides, and all told, Starter is palatably flat, faintly amusing, and perfectly harmless. And at least there aren’t too many character actors.