Criminal is the answer to a question no one asked: “What if someone took the basic plot of Face/Off and made a dour espionage thriller out of it?” The obvious problem is that Face/Off is not remembered fondly for its plot, as it is a film in which a good man and a bad man switch bodies via super-science and experience life on the other side of the law. No, Face/Off is remembered for its gold-plated hand-cannons, its multi-stage boat chase, and two of the finest hams in cinema history devouring the scenery like those giant machines that dig subway lines. Criminal has none of those things. There isn’t a SINGLE boat chase.