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The news that Sony is rebooting Spider-Man (don’t let the door hit your asses on the way out, Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire! Hope you weren’t counting on that paycheck, John Malkovich!) is, I don’t know, frustrating. On one hand, I won’t have to look at Kirsten Dunst’s face for three more movies, so that’s phenomenal. On the other, I can’t think of anyone that I’d rather have doing Spider-Man movies than Raimi (yes, even after Spider-Man 3), so that’s shitty. (Now that the original director has walked, the studio can get whomever they want to take over—and as the historical record proves, that’s not particularly comforting.)

While I’m well aware that no one in Hollywood gives half a shit what I think1, the studios’ love affair with reboots is bewildering. And keep in mind, this is coming from someone who really, really likes big-budget blockbusters, who even gets an inexplicable kind of kick out of how unimaginative some of them are, and who will, let’s face it, be at the new Spider-Man flick regardless of whether it looks awesome or terrible. But as great and as exciting and as necessary as some reboots are, by and large they’re lazy and unnecessary and fucking boring. Off the top of my head, I can think of only three recent cinematic reboots that were both necessary and good:

• Batman Begins
• Casino Royale
• Star Trek

But oh, look. I can also think of these:

• Planet of the Apes
• Superman Returns
• The Incredible Hulk
• Catwoman
• The Pink Panther
• The Nutty Professor
• Terminator Salvation
• Sherlock Holmes
• The Jay Leno Show2

And there are about a billion more reboots the horizon, from this summer’s Predators to December’s Tron: Legacy to the oft-rumored reimaginings of Alien and Buffy and Barbarella and Conan and Fantastic Four and, uh, Cliffhanger.

Star Trek and Casino Royale and Batman Begins worked because they were clever reworkings of tired, damaged franchises—they came about because smart people figured out a reason and a way to tell old stories in new and cool ways. They didn’t come about because someone who’s a pretty solid and passionate filmmaker was like “Hey, Sony? I know this isn’t the news you want to hear, but this script blows, and your release date is impossible to hit, and if we could just have a bit more time and if you’d trust me on casting, maybe we can make a movie that’s not terrib—oh, I see. No, no, I know where the door is. I can show myself out.”

Maybe the new Spider-Man will be fantastic. (As long as nobody tells Sony about Trouble, that is, in which case we’ll probably have to deal with a sexy Aunt May.) But ultimately, will it even matter if it’s good or not? If the Spider-Man series is any indication, Sony can’t even be bothered to put in the time and effort to make their most successful franchise work in the long-term—so even if it turns out great, how long will it be until this new Spider-franchise gets rebooted?

Maybe we didn’t know how good we had it when studios were content to just shamelessly rush out sequels. Now that they’re content to shamelessly rush out entirely new reboots, maybe there’s not even a reason to see anything—I mean, why bother, when you know a hipper version of the same thing will inevitably come along in a few years?

In summation, I feel bad for Bruce Campbell.

1. Except for Kirsten Dunst, who is depressing and gross and probably does nothing but Google herself all day and who is probably crying right now as she reads this, crying because she’s a big gross depressing crybaby who nobody loves.

2. Does this even count as a reboot? I mean, it’s a TV show, and technically a whole new show, an—actually, fuck it, don’t care. It’s a mean joke about Jay Leno, which at the moment I can’t get enough of. Speaking of which, go here and here.

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

12 replies on “Dear Hollywood: STOP REBOOTING THINGS.”

  1. I never do get people’s visceral rejections of certain celebs, as in Kirsten Dunst. Is it not good enough to just say you are not personally attractive to you? She is after, all, still a human being.

  3. Don’t feel bad for Campbell, burn notice is the best thing he has ever done, he doesn’t need to be distracted by some shitty superhero movie.

  4. WTF? Seriously? Well, we’ll always have Spider-Man 2 I guess. The only good that could come from this reboot is the possibility that Spidey might get to appear in the Avengers or something.

  7. The one, and only, thing that I was not looking forward to having to watch that crazy, short-toothed, talentless flake Dunst. This is kinda a win win

  8. Joneser.
    Does either “Bring It On: All or Nothing” or “Bring It On: In It to Win It” count as a re-boot?
    Not that I have seen those, because I’m totally straight and into football and stuff, but um… nevermind.

  10. I recently saw part of Spider-Man 3 and it was astoundingly bad. Not that I thought much of the first two. and I have to agree, Kristen Dunst is unwatchable. Better to lay that franchise to rest. Whenever someone says “grittier” or “darker” in regards to something like this. Can’t they just make it “better” or hey, maybe try making something “original” or “good”. Oh right, we’re talking about Hollywood here.

  12. @ ezra: I don’t think those ones count because they were just bringing down the original franchise AND went straight to dvd.

    Back when I had cable, one channel – I think TBS – would do back to back Bring It On and Bring It On Again for entire days at a time. Those were productive times for me.

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