“If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off,” said old-timey writer Anton Chekhov. So, pop quiz: When the screenwriters behind X-Men Origins: Wolverine introduce a pistol early in the film, and make a big deal out of showing bullets made out of indestructible metal, and then have one character clearly enunciate, “The only thing that can kill him is an adamantium bullet,” are you really gonna be surprised when said prop is trotted out in the third act and dutifully fired?
Now that we’re thankfully past that brief detour into Old-Timey Russian Lit 101, let’s get to Wolverine, a big dumb film in which Hugh Jackman reprises his role as a hairier, grumpier version of Edward Scissorhands. As he’s fond of saying in X-Men comics, Wolverine is the best there is at what he does—and now, we discover that what he does is star in crappy spinoffs. In the first three X-films, Wolverine’s backstory was untold, thanks to a convenient case of amnesia; here, we get all the bloody, underwhelming details. Turns out that before joining the X-Men, Wolverine spent his time (A) fighting in wars, and (B) fighting with his dickhead half-brother (Liev Schreiber), who is also a mutant, but whose powers are limited to growing his fingernails really long and hopping around on all fours like he’s playing leapfrog. Also, (C) Wolverine falls in loooove—but only so that when his lady gets killed, he can fall to his knees and bellow at the heavens. (In Wolverine‘s 107 minutes, its titular character angrily screams at the sky three times.)
So Wolverine goes lookin’ for revenge (“Grrr!”), and there are explosions, and lame sidekicks (hello, Will.i.am!), and also, in the middle of the movie, everything stops for 15 minutes so Wolverine can meet a really fat mutant named Blob, who wears a T-shirt that says, “Save the whales.” Wolverine calls him “Slim” (ha!) and then the two of them put on boxing gloves and have a boxing match!
To say that X-Men Origins: Wolverine is shitty doesn’t quite do it justice: This movie tries, and tries hard, but it just doesn’t know what the fuck it’s doing. A weirdly convoluted plot eventually gets abandoned in favor of a parade of cameos from less-famous X-Men, with director Gavin Hood practically shouting, “Hey, nerds! Look! There’s Toad! Emma Frost! Cyclops! Quicksilver! Eh? Eh?” Yet while screenwriters David Benioff and Skip Woods damn near shit themselves trying to shoehorn in a poorly digitized Patrick Stewart, they lose sight of the characters who could make this thing entertaining, like a goofy Cajun, Gambit (Taylor Kitsch), or a wiseass mercenary, Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds, for all of two minutes). The result is a film that I can’t imagine will please anyone: It tries to pander to fanboys even as it bastardizes the characters they love; it’s oblivious to how head-slappingly stupid its plot is, yet nevertheless tries to capture some of The Dark Knight‘s moodiness; it tries to be a summer action blockbuster, but lacks any momentum or punch. It’s just a goddamn mess, and by the time it’s over, you’ll wish you’d brought along your own gun—with at least one adamantium bullet.
Just curious Erik – do you usually like these kinds of movies, Summer blockbusters? Or are you an art-house douchebag who wouldn’t enjoy sitting through anything that doesn’t involve sub-titles, split screens, or tortured emotional bullshit? Because movies like “Woverine” aren’t about telling complicated stories, or over-thinking every camera angle – they’re about explosions, loud noises, and bright colors. They’re about beautiful people beating on each other and special effects galore. They’re about escaping the hum-drum or stress of our regular lives for a couple of hours. I’m looking forward to this movie (and the couple of dozen others just like it that will be out this summer) and I’ll be enjoying their weak, cliched storylines, while you can suffer through some well-written and depressing drama about real-life down at the Cinema 21.
jbruner97, why not use the search function and read his other reviews? Your comment is missing its intended mark. Erik loves explosions!
At least now they can blame the impending box office failure on the swine flu pandemic. Wolverine was lucky to have developed the amnesia that spared him from remembering the insipid travesty that is this film’s plot.
What does it say about me that I REALLY think the headline should be “X-hausted?”
Also, I will never forgive them for how they mangled Wade Wilson. How hard is it to make a convincing physically mangled, cancer ridden killing machine with a nearly indestructible healing factor?
Pretty hard, apparently. I guess Ryan Reynolds has been lobbying for years to play Deadpool, too–and this is what he ended up with.
Erik, I found your review or more likely, personal opinion, of Wolverine offensive. What, may I ask, do you expect from a comic book blockbuster? Depth, intellect, tragedy. Please, it’s a comic book adventure for Gods sake!!!! I’m a 58 year old women who can see a movie like Wolverine for exactly what it is and frankly, I loved it. I could have spent another 2 hours lost in fantacy with Huge Jackmans biceps. Obviously this isn’t your genre so leave the comic book/blockbuster reviews for someone who gets it!!!!
I can’t believe how horrible the special effects were in this film. I mean all I really ask of my superhero action type movies is decent special effects. At one point in the movie his blade/claws looked like someone had drawn them in as an after thought. Oh yea and the plot sucked etc etc.