Dear Mark Sinclair “Vin Diesel” Vincent—
Mr. Vincent, it has recently come to the attention of my
organization (hereafter referred to as “The Organization”) that you
persist in attempts to fill the “action film star” niche vacated by
Messrs. Schwarzenegger and Stallone the past few decades. We must
insist that you halt all such attempts forthwith.
Though we look forward to the imminent Grandmaster Fast and the
Furious Five, the latest from your game development group, Tigon
Studios, incontrovertibly proves that your true skill lies in game
development.
Not only does The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark
Athena disprove the stereotype that all movie-to-game translations
must, to quote a regional colloquialism, “blow ass,” it also easily
ranks as one of the finest action games of the last few years. I don’t
need to tell you that the game perfectly captures the dark, brooding
atmosphere of your finest film (hereafter referred to as Pitch
Black), nor that the melee combat is intensely violent,
entertaining, and perfectly implemented. I also needn’t laud your
decision to include a gorgeous remake of its predecessor, the excellent
The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay—a
choice that demonstrates a truly generous spirit when dealing with the
downtrodden, cash-strapped proletariat.
If you must continue your thespian lifestyle, remember that your
acting in said game is some of the best of your career. The voicework,
the mannerisms based on you, everything that makes the Riddick
character so enjoyable is there, simply because you willed it.
We realize that Hollywood offers you immense paychecks to star
opposite immense explosions on film, but think of the legacy you’re
leaving behind. Your children can go to school fearful that their peers
will remember your battle with a duck in The Pacifier, or they
can be hailed as kings of modern media for having a father who knifed
hundreds of virtual mercenaries in the throat.
We simply ask that you think of the children.
Hugs ‘n’ kisses,
“The Organization”