Pictured above: a bloody funnel.
EXHIBIT A: ONE (1) BLOODY FUNNEL.
  • EXHIBIT A: ONE (1) BLOODY FUNNEL.

Whoa, whoa—I know what you’re thinking. But don’t worry. Despite the disturbing image above, rest assured that this post is in no way, shape, or form related to Patrick Alan Coleman’s fucked-up fetishes.

Rather, this is some piece of vague movie marketing/promotion. I’m too lazy to figure out what movie it’s trying to sell, so I’m turning it over to you, you princes of Maine you kings of New England you sleuths of Blogtown. Want to help me solve this sure-to-be disappointing mystery? Hit the jump for more details and photos, Columbo!

I get great/stupid promotional items sent to me by studios all the time, such as my Beowulf fake-fur blanket, my fake Indiana Jones bullwhip, my short-lived There Will Be Blood milkshake, and Olive’s Fantastic Mr. Fox necktie. Today I got the latest bit of promojunk, which, rather than being branded with various logos, is instead purposefully vague. Here are the photos/viral marketing clues:

EXHIBIT B: THEY MISSPELLED MY NAME.
  • EXHIBIT B: THEY MISSPELLED MY NAME.
EXHIBIT C: ONE (1) BLOODY FUNNEL; CAME IN ONE (1) EVIDENCE BAG.
  • EXHIBIT C: ONE (1) BLOODY FUNNEL; CAME IN ONE (1) EVIDENCE BAG.
  • EXHIBIT D: CLOSE-UP OF RETURN MAILING ADDRESS LABEL. [SIDE NOTE: “666.” SIGH.]
EXHIBIT E: WRITING ON EVIDENCE BAG; THIS K. OLSON IS APPARENTLY A PRETTY CRAPPY DETECTIVE.
  • EXHIBIT E: WRITING ON EVIDENCE BAG; THIS “K. OLSON” IS APPARENTLY A PRETTY CRAPPY DETECTIVE.

Have at with your deductions in the comments below, Blogtown Mystery Team™! And here’s something worth noting: After looking at this stuff a bit more closely, I’m now 99 percent sure that I’ve figured out what movie it’s promoting. First person to correctly guess it below wins themselves… well, I was going to say “wins themselves a bloody funnel,” but it looks like Patrick’s already made off with it for his personal use. So I guess you’ll just “win” the “satisfaction of playing along with some studio’s elaborate marketing scheme.” That’s kind of rewarding, right?

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

14 replies on “Here’s That Bloody Funnel You Ordered!”

  6. While I was desperately hoping it’d be a remake of LOST SOULS, Graham is correct – it’s that POS bastardized sham LET ME IN. Fricken frick.

  13. @AF: I know people who’ve attended test screenings of the remake. They had good things to say, and these were people who know their cinema. People who you can trust.

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