Thinking about having sex today? ME, TOO!! Or at least I was before I saw this video compilation featuring the 39 creepiest kids ever to grace the big screen. Because you see, I already know my sperm is defective. And I will surely breed one of these freaking terrifying children… probably one of the glowy-eyed albinos from Children of the Damned, knowing my luck.

Watch, but keep the lights on! BRRRRRR!!!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)