Two things.

First, there was last night’s shameless pimping of Avatar on Bones, which is some show starring Angel and the poor man’s Zooey Deschanel1. Last night’s Bones was crammed with clunky Avatar plugs, which io9 breaks down in excruciating detail.

After the opening credits, Bones‘ King of Kong-inspired murder mystery was interrupted by three of its characters, Dr. Sweets, Dr. Hodgins, and morbid intern Colin Fisher, talking about seeing Avatar.

Of course, we know that the real reason that Mr. Fisher won these premiere tickets is because 1) Bones is a Fox property, and Fox wants to get Bones fans pumped to see Avatar, and 2) Joel Moore, who plays Colin Fisher, happens to be in Avatar.

So that’s depressing, desperate, and cheap, but just in case it wasn’t depressing, desperate, and cheap enough, characters from Bones then watched a commercial for Avatar, during which they talked about about how amazing the special effects are and how much more amazing they’re going to be in 3D. (Insert wanking gesture here.) The episode also featured some subtle promotional imagery:

bonevatar.jpg

More at io9, where Lauren Davis was cruel enough to include video evidence.

Second, AND EVEN WORSE: Hitfix has posted Avatar‘s theme song, Leona Lewis’ “I See You”2. “I See You” is described as (brace yourself… ) “Celine Dion crossed with Enya.” That phrase is terrifyingly, horrifyingly accurate. And yet: Not even a phrase as terrifyingly horrifying as that can prepare you for Lewis’ ass-clenchingly terrible song. Do not watch this YouTube. You will regret it.

I WARNED YOU. Anyway, it’s not like I’m in any hurry to join the legions of trolls out there who’re preemptively hatin’ on Avatar—it’s a film that, despite its bungled marketing campaign and easily mockable concept, I think has the potential to pretty amazing and pretty revolutionary. But… but… goddammit, Fox. Goddammit.

Thanks (?) to Grant for the heads up about that stupid fucking song.

1. Who, alas, is apparently the sister of the actual Zooey Deschanel, no doubt making Thanksgivings and Christmases kinda awkward.

2. Which I, embarrassingly, can’t help but think should be titled “I C U (P),” which is probably why I am not in the music industry.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=JnC8KZ2bOik%26hl%3Den_US%26fs%3D1%26rel%3D0

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

9 replies on “In Which I Valiantry Try to Remain Excited About <i>Avatar</i>, Despite Twentieth Century Fox’s Best Efforts to the Contrary.”

  2. WOW, that tips the scales. My hype-o-meter has just gone from hoping that it’s not as bad as it looks to hoping it’s even worse than it looks.

  7. Wow, EPIC FAIL. How much Autotune did they slap on her voice to coax the notes out of her?

    And seriously, what is with the shit that goes down at 2:52?

  8. Leona doesn’t need auto tune you retard. She’s an amazing singer, and this song is epic. Everyone’s ready to bitch about everything to do with this film though, because of the hype. It’s pathetic.

  9. Will you save your tears for me when you actually watch this film and it ends up sucking ass? I need the tears of film writers to power my interstellar communication device.

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