Jesus vs. Space Alien: WHO YA GOT?!?

A made-in-heaven match between Hägar the Horrible and
Predator, Outlander boasts what might be the most perfect
concept ever imagined for a motion picture: Kainan, a grumpy space
alien, crashes his spaceship in Norway in 709 AD. Kainan hasn’t come to
Earth alone, though—turns out an eeeeevil alien monster was
onboard his ship, too, and when the monster starts killing people,
Kainan has to team up with Vikings in order to take that fucker
down!

And it gets even better. First, Kainan is played by James
Caviezel, better known as “That Dude Who Played Jesus in The Passion
of the Christ.” Second, and even better, right after Space Jesus
crashes, he uses his advanced space technology to learn how to speak
Norse. Then he throws up, and then he says, all angry-like,
“Fuuuuuuck!” Then he uses his space gun to blow the goddamn shit
out of some innocent tree that’s just standing there, minding its own
business and growing and being a tree in Norway in 709 AD. (SPACE JESUS
HATE TREES!) Third, and even better than all those other things: When
the Vikings first find Space Jesus, they think he’s an enemy, so they
tie him up. Naturally, when a local hottie (Sophia Myles) takes pity on
Space Jesus and tries to take care of him, he punches her in the
face so he can escape.

Space Jesus is an awesome dude.

Then the monster shows up! Space Jesus describes it thusly to those
backward Vikings: “It kills men, beasts, everything. And it
smells like… like death.” A better way to describe it would
be: “It kills dumbass Vikings who go off into the woods alone to take
leaks, and it looks like a giant CG Doberman made out of Lite-Brites.”
This phosphorescent monster runs around killing Vikings for a while
(and, um, y’know… glowing a lot), and then, finally,
the Vikings are all, “Okay, Space Jesus, show us what you got!” AND
THEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN!

Well, sort of. There’s a lot more awesome silliness that I’m not
even going to go into here, because I want you to discover it on your
own—but let’s just say it’s all fantastic, and there’s a truly
WTF scene that happens when all the Vikings get drunk and decide to
start having contests, and also, Ron Perlman is in the movie, because
it’s the law that Ron Perlman is in every single low-budget
science-fiction movie that ever gets made. (In this one, he has a
totally sweet ZZ Top-style beard!)

As foreshadowed by its half-assed theatrical release (it opened in a
few cities on January 23, and is just now making it to our neck of the
woods, where it’s playing in a single theater in Cornelius),
Outlander‘s kinda shitty: It’s an hour too long, and you’re
gonna have to sit through entirely too many scenes that feel like the
most boring parts of The Lord of the Rings. You’re also going to
have to hear the Vikings refer to Space Jesus as “Outlander” at least
9,000 times, and there’s some also some bewildering stuff about how
maybe everyone deserves to be killed by the monster, because Space
Jesus’ people took over the glowy monsters’ natural habitat, thus
giving the monsters an unquenchable thirst for Viking blood? I
don’t know. Point is, it’s all insane and weird and bizarre and makes
you feel like you’re on drugs, complete with the morning-after
fuzziness: “Did I really watch Outlander last night?” you’ll say
the next morning, judging yourself in your bathroom mirror. “There’s no
way a movie that crazy could exist! It must have been a dream. An
awesome, terrible drea—”

But then you’ll hear a knock on your door, and Space Jesus will be
there, and he’ll be all, “Fuuuuuuck! We gotta fight a monster,
bro! C’mon! Ron Perlman’s waiting in the car! We’ll even stop at
7-Eleven and get nachos on the way! Yeah! Nachos!”

Or maybe that last part won’t happen. I don’t know. Even if it
doesn’t, I guess what I’m trying to say is that your life will improve
a thousand-fold if you drive out to Cornelius to see Outlander,
the movie in which Space Jesus teams up with Vikings in order to fight
a monster who glows in the dark.