Kevin James Is the New Rob Schneider.

When Paul Blart: Mall Cop was an unexpected “box-office sensation,” there was talk of a sequel, much to the delight of the two biggest Paul Blart fans on the planet, myself and Mercury Editorial Assistant Ned Lannamann. (Case in point: Here’s something Ned said seven minutes ago. “Do they have Paul Blart toys yet? I want to buy them! They have to.” Then I heard him frantically typing, and then came the dejected answer. “Nope,” he said. “No toys.”)

But while there aren’t any Blart toys—YET—James’ next project has been announced. Behold!

In The Zookeeper, the animals at the zoo adore their caretaker Andrew (James), an amiable but lonely guy who’s never quite fit in. [JUST LIKE PAUL BLART!] Finding himself more comfortable with a lion than a lady [HA HA HA!], Andrew decides he should leave the zoo and get a life [MAYBE AT A MALL? AS A MALL COP? PLEASE?]. When the zoo animals discover his plan they decide to break their code of silence and reveal their biggest secret: they can talk! [HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!!!] Now they won’t shut up [HA HA HA! I’LL BET!] and they’re teaching Andrew nature’s best mating rituals [SAUCY!]. To help him win the girl of his dreams and save their happy family [WAIT, SO THEY’RE ALL RELATED?] they’re willing to do—or say—anything.

Fucking genius. Sure, I’m disappointed that a Paul Blart sequel (Blartquel?) won’t be happening as soon as I’d like, but on the upside, this gives me and Ned a few more months to really polish up our script for Paul Blart: Mall Cop II: Paul Blart: Mall Cop and the Chamber of Secrets.