A mere five seconds of footage from the incredibly poorly named Planet of the Apes reboot, you say? (The film’s title, by the way, used to be the nicely ominous Rise of the Apes, but now it’s going by the kind of desperate, kind of awkward Rise of the Planet of the Apes, a phrase that does not even make sense.) Well, yeah, I say—but those five seconds are CREEPY. Have fun sleeping tonight with this goddamn thing THINKING ABOUT HOW BEST TO STRANGLE YOU.

Via io9.

(I’m actually quite looking forward to this movie, which is weird thing to say, I know, considering how much everyone loathed Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes. HOWEVER: If this once-great franchise [and by “once great,” I mean, damn, at least the first Planet of the Apes movie was awesome] was gonna get rebooted—and of course it was—well, they could do a lot worse than going back and examining the very beginnings of the ape uprising. James Franco will be playing the scientist who works with the ape Ceasar [who’ll be digital, Avatar-style, but performance captured by Andy Serkis, Peter Jackson’s dude behind Gollum and King Kong]… until Ceasar starts LOOKING AROUND OMINOUSLY. I predict that at that point, everything’s gonna go straight to shit, and perhaps at some point we’ll find out why monkeys hate Lady Liberty so goddamn much.)

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

6 replies on “KILL IT KILL IT BEFORE IT ENSLAVES US ALL”

  1. I wonder what the parable will be in this version: or if it will even have one. Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, the one w/ Ricardo Montalban, was a commentary on the legacy of slavery and the Civil Rights movement in America (but with monkeys; is that racist?). But it was very heavy handed and poorly developed throughout the movie.

    I just hope that they don’t make this POTA movies into some bullshit special effects shit flick w/ no point!

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