The movies coming this fall SUCK! Prepare to be dragged to a bunch of lameass, talky chick-flicks with your girlfriend–who will then try to trap you into expressing your feelings. But hold on–there’s still hope.
Birth (October)–Nicole Kidman finds her reincarnated husband… in a little boy’s body! But before you get creeped out, it’s every 10-year-old’s dream to pork Nicole Kidman! Props to you, little bro!
Seed of Chucky (November)–Chucky’s back, and he’s bonin’ the real-life Jennifer Tilly! Let’s get this straight: She won’t return our calls, but she’ll get it on with a toy?! (And not the “good” kind of toy, either!)
National Treasure (November)–Looks like Nicolas Cage finally smashed Captain Corelli’s Mandolin and is goin’ back to kick some ass–Con Air style! Welcome back, Nick!
Closer (December)–The ads might make it look like a sensitive drama, but keep in mind these three words: Natalie Portman stripping. Say it with us: Oh, Hell Yeah!
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (November)–A talky, pudgy, single Englishwoman wonders why she can’t find love. (Shout out the all-too-obvious answer in the theater, and be prepared to run from all the talky, pudgy single American women! Or, if you prefer, go ahead and slash your wrists.)