Dear Ryan Gosling,

I would really appreciate it if you listened to what Nicolas Winding Refn, the director for the upcoming Only God Forgives, is trying to say to you. It sounds like his theory on sex and violence might actually be interesting and helpful for your role—except for the fact that you keep doing an adorable slow burn straight at the camera and I can’t help but fall into your beautiful eyes, and… and… and… and… oh christ. What was I saying?


Hat tips to WOW!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)