I’m Staying Home

WITH NINJA ASSASSIN in theaters this week (our review is here), let’s visit with
our friend the ninja, who comes in just behind “zombies” and just ahead
of “pirates” when it comes to overplayed pop culture tropes.

Azumi (2003)—Just as Ninja Assassin stars
South Korean pop star Rain, Azumi stars Japanese pop star Aya
Ueto. Do they play convincing ninjas? Good question! The answer is that
it doesn’t matter, because both of them are prettier than you and looks
are everything.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)—Reminder:
You just can never outrace cultural obsolescence, no matter how fast
your Turtle Van goes.

Beverly Hills Ninja (1997)—You know how whenever
Chris Farley’s name comes up people get all sad and mention his movies
and sketches that made them laugh? No one ever mentions Beverly
Hills Ninja.

Ask a Ninja (2005)—This guy was internet famous a few
years ago. Remember him? No? Ah, the glories of internet fame.

The Last Samurai (2003)—Most of this movie is
Tom Cruise acting all mopey, but there is one really badass scene when
ninjas go crazy on a village. Here’s why I should work in Hollywood:
“Eff this,” I’d say, throwing The Last Samurai‘s script over my
shoulder. “Try this,” I’d say, handing Tom Cruise a Post-it on
which I had written the words “The First Ninja.”

3 Ninjas (1992)—This film features a ninja named
“Tum Tum.” I call bullshit.

“Body Movin'” (1998)—Adam Yauch’s Beastie Boys video
riffs on Mario Bava’s 1968 film Danger: Diabolik, and contains,
in this order, a castle, a ninja thief, a swordfight, a severed head, a
catapult, a car chase, a murdering bird, an underground lair, and a
fondue dinner. It is almost exactly like my life.

Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers (1993)—If gay
ninjas were allowed to express their individuality through their
clothing, this is what would happen.

Speed Racer (2008)—”Was that a ninja?” asks
Christina Ricci. “More like a non-ja,” John Goodman snorts.
“Terrible what passes for a ninja these days.” “Cool beans!” Ricci
says. I am making none of this up.