Catwoman
dir. Pitof
Opens Fri July 23
Various Theaters
I know you’re all curious about Catwoman, so let’s get your primary question out of the way: Will this movie make me angry? Well, if you’re the type of person who collects comic books and vinyl eight-inch tall figurines of Catwoman… well… you’re going to be angry. However, if you belong to a group of people I refer to as “normal,” then you’re not going to give a shit. So prepare to become VERY ANGRY… or to continue not giving a shit.
The ridiculously named Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is a shy and reserved employee of an eeevil cosmetic corporation that’s secretly working on a product that will temporarily reverse the aging process–but eventually turn women into hideous monsters. Patience finds out, gets murdered, and for reasons known only to the dumbshits who wrote this movie, is resurrected with the powers of a cat. Now, instead of being a pushover, Patience has pussy power, and along with her leather bustier, uses her newfound talents to stop the megalomaniacs from selling their crappy makeup. The end.
Unfortunately, there’s really not much to recommend here. Berry’s performance is somnambulistic as usual, romantic interest Benjamin Bratt is shirtless for only a few fleeting moments, and as the cosmetic megalomaniac, Sharon Stone picks the wrong moment in a lengthy career of overacting to underplay her role. It’s technically underwhelming as well; the CG of Catwoman bouncing around the city is cat-like only if the cat in question was tied to a tetherball.
But the reason the movie doesn’t work is because no normal person gives a shit about Catwoman. Normal people might give a small shit about Spider-Man and Superman, but only the most Bettie Page-obsessed fanboy gives a shit about a minor character in a Batman comic. Since that’s the case, it’s fairly difficult to determine why they would ever make a film about this character in the first place–but with its heavy-handed “girl power” message, Catwoman might appeal to your average 14-year-old girl who leans toward BDSM. So if that’s your daughter, I wish you luck.
