Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
dir. Weir
Opens Fri Nov 14
Various Theaters
There’s nothing sexier than a bunch of shirtless sweaty men roaming the high seas searching for riches and adventure. Unless the director insists on making it a “historical” drama, which means it’s going to be far too realistic to be sexy–kinda like walking in on your grandparents doing it. And while Master and Commander would be a terrific name for a gay porn, this adaptation of the historical sea fictions of Patrick O’Brian works well for anyone in the mood for seeing frigates being blown out of the water in a storm of splinters.
The year is 1805 and Napoleon is running roughshod over Europe. The only thing stopping France from infecting the whole of the continent is the tiny island of England, which may be lacking in ground forces, but kicks ass on the high seas. Russell Crowe plays Cap’n “Lucky” Jack Aubrey, one of Britain’s finest seamen, who runs afoul of a Frenchy frigate boasting twice the guns and manpower. Barely escaping with their lives, Cap’n Jack becomes obsessed with the Froggie warboat, and vows to send ship and crew to the bottom of the briny blue. However, best friend and ship’s doctor Stephen Maturin (Paul Bettany) fears his Captain has slipped off the deep end, and “Lucky” Jack must find a middle ground between swabbing his enemy’s decks in blood and his own humanity.
As previously mentioned, Master and Commander may not be sexy, but it’s extremely realistic, filling its ship with lashings, maggot-filled food, dirty stinking sailors, and the occasional goat. And while not overtly instructional, the film does give the viewer a strong impression on what life was like aboard these ships. The story of the stalwart captain refusing to waver against insurmountable odds may be best viewed through rose-colored glasses, but director Peter Weir keeps the action moving and the eye-rolling moments down to a bare minimum, thanks to a plethora of battle scenes. And it also helps that we never actually meet any of these detestable Frenchies until the end of the movie. That way there’s little to no emotional attachment when they meet their brutal, painful demise at the business end of a cannonball or sword.
Though not much fun for your horny gay pals, Master and Commander is still a great film for Grandpappy, the history buff, and any lad who likes his naval adventures covered with sweat, blood and splinters.
