Never Back Down tells the story of a good-looking
teenager from the wrong side of the tracks and his single mother, who
move to a new town filled with wealthy shitsticks who want to fight him
via non-sanctioned combat that may or may not take place in a basement
owned by Tyler Durden.
Shitstick pack leader—I’m going to call him “Johnny”—is
dating a pretty blonde girl, maybe named “Ali.” Our hero, “Daniel-san,”
has a big ol’ crush on Ali, and after getting his ass handed to him by
Johnny, Daniel-san learns the secrets of chop socky from a mysterious
and lonely guru with an accent. Twelve thousand montages later, the
audience learns Daniel-san is the best around and nothing’s ever gonna
keep him down! Also, Never Back Down made me:
1. Want to set the theater on fire.
2. Wax on and wax off.
3. Take the movie into a dark alley and smother it in the face with
a pillow stuffed with broken glass.
4. Sad for the guy from Blood Diamond. He deserves better
than this.
5. Angry at kids today. Then I put my dentures back in.
6. Think that I could probably, if pressed, catch a fly with
chopsticks.
7. Remember the first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight
Club.
8. Ready to learn mixed martial arts so bad I could taste it.
Never Back Down might be a terrible rip-off of a movie, but
the fighting, at least, is MAJOR. I kind of want to hit myself in the
face with a hammer for saying this, but paying money to see it
would not be the worst thing that ever happened to a person.