Thursday, December 21
8:00 WB GILMORE GIRLS
While Rory is at the grandparents, Lorelei catches her horny b-friend sneaking around the henhouse!
10:00 NBC E.R.
Nothing says “Christmas” like an emergency room filled with six barfing Santas.
Friday,
December 22
9:30 TBS THE BLUE LAGOON–Movie
(1980) Sexy Brooke Shields and Chris Atkins get biz-ay on a deserted island! (Tom Hanks should be so lucky!)
10:00 TNT VERY SPECIAL X-MAS IN WASHINGTON
Washed-up President Clinton welcomes washed-up musicians Jon Bon Jovi, Wyclef Jean, and the Blues Travelers.
Saturday, December 23
9:00 USA WILD THINGS–Movie
(1998) Matt Dillon gets manipulated by hottie high-school chicks (Neve Campbell, Denise Richards) in this trashy potboiler.
Sunday,
December 24
8:00 FAM SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN
My favorite of the creepy wooden-puppet specials, featuring the Winter Warlock and Burgermeister Meisterburger!
8:00 TOON HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
The original cartoon–and Jim Carrey can eat my ass.
8:00 TNT A CHRISTMAS STORY–Movie
Lil’ Ralphie shoots his eye out with a BB gun in this touching holiday classic.
Monday,
December 25
8:00 NBC IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE–Movie
(1946) Every time you hear a bell ring, Humpy takes a drink. Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Glug, glug… hic!
8:00 CBS A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
One of the only animated holiday cartoons that proudly features a manic-depressive.
Tuesday, December 26
8:00 WB BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Buffy’s long winter nap is rudely interrupted by soul-sucking demons.
9:00 FOX DARK ANGEL
Max gets sent to the slammer for stealing seizure medication. Y’know, this wouldn’t happen in Canada!
Wednesday, December 27
10:30 COM TV FUNHOUSE
When Doug and a Mexican delivery boy share a bottle of tequila, they meet their newest puppet friend, “Juan the Worm.”