Thursday, June 7
9:00 MTV MTV MOVIE AWARDS
The moderately talented Jimmy Fallon and the woefully untalented Kirsten Dunst host this year’s festivities.
10:00 COM THAT’S MY BUSH
An anti-drug rally turns into a rave after George W. accidentally takes some Ecstasy!
Friday, June 8
8:00 UPN INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE–Movie
(1994) Tom Cruise stars in this homoerotic ode to the vampire–AND YET HE IS NOT GAY!!
9:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY
Why did Crockett and Tubbs wear pastel suits and no socks? Find out in this startling exposè of Miami Vice!
Saturday, June 9
8:00 UPN THE RAPTURE–Movie
(1991) Mimi Rogers stars as a coked-out sex addict who finds the Lord.
9:00 DSC HOW TO SURVIVE
This show tells you everything you need to know about how to survive on the beach–including drowning, shark attacks, and getting sand in your crack.
Sunday, June 10
8:00 FX DIE HARD–Movie
(1988) Bruce Willis fights a building full of terrorists, and worse, walks around on broken glass in bare feet!
8:00 E! CELEBRITY PROFILE
The ups and downs of Brat-Packer Ally Sheedy (War Games, Breakfast Club, and that weird movie where she’s a lesbian).
Monday, June 11
8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR
In order to win 500,000 bucks, contestants face their greatest fears. Tonight: A man must use an outdoor toilet at a hippie concert.
9:00 FX PREDATOR–Movie
(1987) A bumpy-headed alien picks the wrong human to fuck with after setting his sights on Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Tuesday, June 12
8:00 WB FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF–Movie
(1986) I’m sorry… but somebody needs a good ass-whuppin’, and that somebody is Ferris Bueller!
Wednesday, June 13
9:00 WB BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Dawn comes to the startling realization that I had absolutely nothing to do with her sister’s death.