Thursday, March 21
8:00 FAM WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY–Movie
(1971) Naughty children are viciously disposed of by singing blue midgets with bad haircuts.
10:00 VH1 25 YEARS OF PUNK
Lou Reed hosts this retrospective of a quarter century of punk music. (Isn’t it cute when old people mosh?)
Friday, March 22
8:00 OXY THE BIRDS–Movie
A party-time fun gal visits a resort town and gets pecked by angry birds in this film by misogynistic weirdo Alfred Hitchcock.
10:00 FOOD IRON CHEF
Morimoto outdoes himself in the “turkey battle” by capping his feast with “turkey foot sorbet.”
Saturday, March 23
8:00 TNT THE MATRIX–Movie
(1999) Keanu Reeves stars as a dumb-as-shit computer Jesus who knows kung fu and can run up walls.
Sunday, March 24
5:30 ABC ACADEMY AWARDS
All I’m gonna say is that if Patrick Swayze doesn’t get a Lifetime Achievement award this year… I’m gonna go FREAKING PSYCHO!!!
6:00 VH1 THE GRADUATE–Movie
(1967) Dustin Hoffman is a 1960’s disaffected youth whose days are filled
with floating around in a swimming pool and boning his girlfriend’s mother.
OH! Boo-hoo-hoo!
Monday, March 25
9:00 USA COP LAND–Movie
(1997) A bunch of corrupt cops take over a town, and it’s up to fatso Sylvester Stallone to stop them!
9:30 NBC THE COLIN QUINN SHOW
A new live comedy show hosted by the former SNL cast member and brother of MTV veejay Martha Quinn. (See? You learn something new everyday!)
Tuesday, March 26
10:00 ABC THE COURT
Debut! Christ! Another freaking show about the Supreme Court? Apparently they think we’re interested in a bunch of old fat conservatives with hemorrhoids!
Wednesday, March 27
9:30 FOX GREG THE BUNNY
Debut! Nasty-ass puppets find work on a kid’s show. Co-starring Seth “Oz” Green, and Eugene “SCTV” Levy!