THURSDAY, JAN 1 9:00 CBS TOURNAMENT OF ROSES PARADE After a night of drinking and eating crappy food, those gigantic balloons aren’t the only things that are gassy this morning.
1:00 BRAVO QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY MARATHON Hey guys! Catch up on all the tips you’ve missed out on, including: dab on eye cream, don’t rub, and stop shaving so fast!!
FRIDAY, JAN 2
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS Homer stuns the scientific community with his “Homemade Bear-Fighting Suit.”
8:00 FX PORKY’S–Movie (1981) A group of teens get even with an evil bar-owner and some evil naked girls taking a shower.
SATURDAY, JAN 3 8:30 SPIKE MOST EXTREME ELIMINATION In this hee-larious dubbed-over Japanese game show, a team of dairy farmers compete against out-of-work autoworkers.
9:00 SCI THEY CRAWL–Movie (2002) A soldier and detective unite to save the world from a horde of killer cock-a-roaches. Good luck, losers!
SUNDAY, JAN 4 8:00 WB BRING IT ON–Movie (2000) Although I hate that hag Kirsten Dunst, this is the best cheerleading movie, like, EVER!!
9:30 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM Season Premiere! Seinfeld creator Larry David returns with another season of the most misanthropic and funny sitcom of the year.
MONDAY, JAN 5 9:30 NBC AVERAGE JOE: HAWAII Season Premiere! In an attempt to woo a beautiful woman, 18 not-so-good-looking guys travel to Hawaii, hoping the surroundings will make them less ugly.
TUESDAY, JAN 6 9:00 FOX 24 Jack makes his bid for the billion-dollar virus. Hey, Jack! How about bidding a billion bucks for that sexy Tony Almeida? Rrrrowrrr!
9:00 BRAVO CELEBRITY POKER SHOWDOWN In the last game before the finals, David Cross, Carrie Fisher, and Tom Green fight to see who can make the most “Poker? I don’t even know her!” jokes.
WEDNESDAY, JAN 7 8:30 FOX THE SIMPLE LIFE Paris and Nicole set their hooks in two local farm boys while cruising the gas station/bait shop.
9:00 FOX THE O.C. Seth finally chooses between Anna and Summer. (Like there’s any real choice; WE LOVE SUMMER!)