THURSDAY, FEB 12 8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: ALL-STARS I swear to god if I see Richard Hatch’s blurred-out scrotum one more time, I’m going to vomit.
8:30 NBC THE APPRENTICE The contestants hold an auction to raise money for the “Buy Trump a Decent Hair Piece” charity.
FRIDAY, FEB 13 8:00 FOX GREAT AMERICAN CELEBRITY SPELLING BEE Washed-up celebs get a chance for another 15 minutes of fame by spelling words like “pathetic.”
9:00 FOX WHEN ANIMALS ATTRACT You know it’s sweeps month when National Geographic and Fox team up to show animals fucking.
SATURDAY, FEB 14 8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN VALENTINE Charlie Brown learns a valuable lesson in love when the girl with the red curly hair kicks him in the nutsack.
8:00 FOX COPS: LOVE HURTS The very best of Cops‘ “domestic disturbance” callsÉ and I’m sorry, but it sounds heee-larious!
SUNDAY, FEB 15 9:00 WB THE SURREAL LIFE The cast finally gets a chance to flash their junk while visiting a nudist colony.
9:00 ABC ALIAS Vivica A. Fox (Kill Bill) co-stars as a sexy new security expert!
9:30 FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Tobias (David Cross) finally comes to grips with his nudity problem–to the horror of the rest of the family.
MONDAY, FEB 16 8:00 FOX THE LITTLEST GROOM A four-foot-five bachelor gets to pick from a stable of potential mates. Somebody call Michael Powell of the FCC!
TUESDAY, FEB 17 8:00 TVLAND SID & MARTY KROFFT MARATHON Four hours of classic Krofft Saturday morning shows, including H.R. Pufnstuff, Electra Woman & Dyna Girl, Lidsville, and Land of the Lost!
9:00 FOX 24 The Counter Terrorism Unit finally becomes suspicious of Chloe’s creepy baby!
WEDNESDAY, FEB 18 8:00 WB SMALLVILLE A super-powered girl gets an obsessive crush on Clark. (Look, bitch. I saw him first!!)
9:00 FOX THE O.C. Ryan’s ex-girlfriend shows up at the school dance as one of the caterers! Ohhh, ha, ha, ha! How dreadfully embarrassing for her!