THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2 8:00 FAM SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN The classic creepy wooden puppet X-mas special featuring the Winter Warlock!
8:00 FOX THE O.C. Seth and Sandy take the family on a whirlwind adventure–which I hope includes an eyebrow waxing.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3 8:00 CBS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN With the help of a magic hat, a gang of kids builds a mentally retarded snowman.
9:00 CBS ICE WARS: USA VS. THE WORLD Fed up with America’s pro-war policies, the world’s nations settle the score once and for all–with figure skaters!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 4 9:00 FAM THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS Another creepy wooden puppet X-mas special, in which Mrs. Claus fills in for her lazy ass husband.
9:00 SCIFI ANONYMOUS REX–Movie (2004) Based on the book by Eric Garcia, a dinosaur private eye investigates the death of his partner.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5 8:30 FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Lucille continues her fruitless hunt for George Sr., this time with a bounty hunter!
9:00 FOX MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS BOSS The boss reorganizes the teams into “The Beautiful Hunkies” vs. “The Ugly Chunkies.”
MONDAY, DECEMBER 6 8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR It’s a Fear Factor X-mas, when Santas have to deliver their presents past three vicious, ass-eating guard dogs!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7 8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS Manic-depressive Charlie Brown ruins the holiday for everybody with his constant moping. Snort some blow, for Christ’s sake!
9:00 FOX HOUSE The brilliant but misanthropic Dr. House has his hands full with a hospital full of sick, poopy babies.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8 8:00 NBC A CLAY AIKEN CHRISTMAS Lock up the gun cabinet, and slip on your straight jacket for the most torturous X-mas special ever! I DARE YOU TO WATCH THE ENTIRE SHOW!
9:00 NBC THE WEST WING The staff gets slightly peeved when Penn & Teller burn a flag in the White House.