Okay, granted: I have a fair number of utterly irrelevant things I get all worked-the-fuck-up over that no one else gives a shit about. (I had not one but several heated conversations last night about whether or not the battleground in The Hunger Games is, in fact, just a big holodeck.) But there are some pop culture debates that are so stupid they should be put out of their misery. TO WIT: This it-has-to-be-tongue-in-cheek-right-no-wait-it-is-not-tongue-in-cheek piece from The Guardian, which should probably be read in your best Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons voice:
A few days ago, a 15-second video emerged online. It shows producer Michael Bay standing before an audience in a suit, discussing his plans for a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, to be directed by Jonathan Liebesman of Wrath of the Titans fame, with such a dearth of enthusiasm that you could quite easily mistake him for a printer toner spokesman at a regional office supplies conference.
In the video, Bay says: “Kids are going to believe one day that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”
Now, hang on a minute. From an alien race? That’s not how it works. That’s not how it works at all. Everyone knows that the turtles came about because they were exposed to radioactive material as babies. They’re mutants. They’re quite definitively not aliens. They’re called the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, not the Teenage Alien Race of Turtle-like Creatures Who Happen to Know Ninja.
Making the turtles aliens would ruin everything—their desire to be accepted, their bizarre late-1980s street lingo, their fondness for pizza. Everything. Are we really meant to believe that there’s an alien race of giant turtles who just happen to all be named after renowned Renaissance artists from this planet, and speak English, and who came to Earth with a giant elderly rat who’s presumably from the same race, just to live in sewers and loudly eschew anchovies at every opportunity? Hardly, Michael Bay. Hardly.
Look, I was a freak about the Ninja Turtles when I was nine, too. My favorite outfit—the one I proudly wore on our class field trip to the symphony—was a blue sweatshirt featuring all the Turtles paired with matching blue sweatpants that featured the best Turtle, Leonardo. But holy christ nerds, this is not a thing worth getting worked up over. Even Michael Bay thinks you should mellow the fuck out, and Michael Bay has never told anyone to relax, ever.
Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.
Okay, first, the richer world part is a lie, because this is the guy who makes Transformers, but
Actually I’m not even going to finish that sentence. Here, go read more about this if you want. They refer to it as “Turtlegate” in that story, by the way. Also? The guy who voiced Michelangelo in the old Ninja Turtles movies is accusing Bay of “sodomizing” the Ninja Turtle legacy and continuing “the rape of our childhood memories.” So this is happening. Grown-ups are doing this.
Not “sodomizing,” more like giving the TMNT a Rusty Trombone without their consent
Oh man, anyone else seen Anthony Lopez recently? He has a TMNT bit that’s fucking hilarious.
Are there any toys from the 80’s Micheal Bay won’t make a movie out of?
YOU ARE SO WRONG ABOUT LEONARDO THAT IT PHYSICALLY PAINS ME TO EVEN THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU EXIST.
Why not just say that Peter Parker was the love child of Charlotte and some Amish dude?
The original TMNT comics of the mid-80s were already sodomized by the cartoon series and movies of the late 80s and early 90s, and the barrage of merchandising, food tie-ins, live concerts, etc. that those ushered in. A massive sell-out in the name of creative a multi-billion-dollar franchise, empty and watered down so that no one could possibly object to it, including removing the slightest trace of violence (they were created to be ninjas, who use weapons). Go ahead and figuratively sodomize it.
Yeah, sorry, but this is absolutely something to get worked up about.
What next? A Karate Kid movie where the kid doesn’t do karate?
You cut off the part of the quote where Michael Bay says that, since times have changed, so have the characters.
Donatello is now going to be the smart/nerdy/arty/cool one.
Rapheal is going to love indie rock, ironic t-shirts and will be vegan.
Michaelangelo is going to be into Soccer and extreme sports.
Leonardo is a slick, modern turtle. He’ll use his iPhone to organize the team!
1) Making the turtles aliens would be weird, but who gives a fuck.
2) Leonardo is clearly the best TMNT. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywHHg5yxH04
(Put your own gracefully ass-kicking music on)
3) Erik and I’s eerie convergence in childhood tastes continues in full force (as does Erik’s restraining order against me, but I’m sure he sleeps comfortably in those purple flannel pajamas knowing that lasting friendship will always be just 501 feet away).
@CC: YOU ARE ALSO AN IDIOT. SAYING LEONARDO IS THE BEST TURTLE IS LIKE SAYING THAT CYCLOPS IS THE BEST ONE OF THE X-MEN. DONATELLO; FOR LIFE, YO!
REMEMBER THAT TIME THAT VANILLA ICE RAPPED IN ONE OF THE TMNT MOVIES? MICHAEL BAY CANNOT BE ANY WORSE THAN THAT.
@ 3: I want my Barbie movie. She can be an astronaut, doctor, or a rock star, and she’ll fuck GI Joes on a boat in the bathtub.
Oh, and a Cabbage Patch kids movie where they hunt down and murder the tyrannical chi-mo Xavier, who tattooed all of their private parts before putting them up for adoption. It’s going to be dark.
EVERYTHING GRAHAM SAID, EXACTLY HOW HE SAID IT.
Um, just throwing this out there, but they should give Michael Bay’s job to Joneser.
And then we can finally move forward on Boat Cop.
Joneser, there really is no reason you couldn’t make those movie yourself. But you might want to film the bathtub scene when your roomies are out of the house.
Oh, and it’s Donatello.
Plus, no one can ever say they didn’t squeeze every last drop out of the original TMNT concept for your enjoyment. If they want to change things a bit now (for example, giving April O’Neil a more journalistically appropriate outfit — maybe a leather bikini — because what were they THINKING with that jumpsuit?), that’s okay by me – I can always go watch the scary Turtle rubber suits again.
FACTOID: JIM HENSON DID THE ANIMITRONIC FACES FOR THE FIRST TMNT MOVIE. IT WAS HIS LAST PROJECT BEFORE HE DIED OF ACUTE RELIGIOUS INSPIRED FLU.
I don’t care either way, but I do find it comical some of you are posting what you are. If this was, say, Star Wars or Battlestar Galactica related you nerds would be all up in arms. Funny, isn’t it?
#8- They already did that. The Jackie Chan version featured kung-fu fighting, not karate