IN ENGLISH DIRECTOR Gareth Lewis’ The Baker, we first
meet Milo (played by the director’s brother himself, Damian Lewis) in a
men’s lav (that’s a British word for “bathroom”!). He’s there to
assassinate a Russian gangster in mid-shit (played by Young Sherlock
Holmes himself, Nicholas Rowe), but shortly thereafter, another
killer tries to off Milo, so he escapes to the remote country hideout
of his boss (played by Professor Dumbledore himself, Michael
Gambon).
The hideout is actually a bakery in a tiny Welsh village, and
following the trend of every movie ever made in the British Isles ever,
all the townspeople are eccentric, colorful, nosy characters. They’re
dying to know more about their new baker, you see—and when rumors
of his true identity spread, the villagers try to take advantage of
their new local hit man to resolve some longstanding grudges among
themselves.
It’s a painfully obvious setup, and there’s some equally painfully
obvious exposition—the movie has Milo joining a video dating
service so he can confess directly into the camera, for example. This
is not to mention the lame, Python-derived joke about exploding sheep;
or the wretched salsa soundtrack, which sounds like the theme to Sex
and the City; or the Predictably Sassy Female Love Interest™
(Shaun of the Dead‘s Kate Ashfield), whom Milo finds himself
falling for. When they shag (that’s a British word for “fuck”!) in the
bakery, they cover themselves in flour and frosting. How
outrageous!
There’s some good news: The Baker keeps its whimsical tone
consistent, never delving into any of Milo’s residual guilt. Also, it’s
really short. Otherwise, beware. Maybe your grandma will like it,
especially if she hasn’t seen too many movies over the last 30 years
and is handy with a rolling pin.