A Field Guide to Sasquatch!

Every Memorial Day weekend, legions of young men and women
strike forth for the wilds of Central Washington State. It’s a
formidable landscape, with broad desert skies arching over endlessly
rolling hills. Into this proud panorama is carved a mighty chasm, its
treacherous depths hundreds of yards below. The relentless Columbia
River is coiled at the foot of this basin, and its pounding waterways
sprawl over miles and miles of remarkable American terrain. It’s enough
to give a bald eagle the noblest of erections.

Far above the river, etched into the rim of the canyon, is a
structure that serves not as a monument to our leaders of yore or as a
hardy shelter from the devilishly gorgeous landscape, but rather as a
pavilion of frivolity. It is the Gorge Amphitheatre, and youngsters
from far and wide gather here to seek the fabled Sasquatch. But this
Sasquatch is not the hairy manbeast of legend! No, indeed, these young
troopers are searching for a furrier, more insidious
creature—”Rock Music.”

For the three days and nights of the annual Sasquatch! Music
Festival, all sizes and shapes of this Rock Music burst from the Gorge
Amphitheatre’s triptych stages. Along with the music comes an
assortment of colorful characters, a shantytown of impromptu campsites,
and a full holiday weekend’s worth of feats of skill which shall test
the preparedness of even the keenest young adventurers. We’ll tell you
how to be in a full state of readiness for the duration of the
festival, and how to avoid the common errors that have doomed lesser
festivalgoers to a weekend of chill, fatigue, and crotch rot. So be
sure your fingernails are clean, and that your neckerchief is properly
knotted. Are you ready, scouts?

SETTING UP CAMP

The Gorge Campgrounds are a place of timeless drama, where
man meets wild, where metalhead meets hippie, where a scout can stare
into the veritable face of death (death, in this case, being a
drug-addled teenager spending the night away from home for the first
time). ‘Tis not a place for the timid, and it is of utmost importance
to choose a safe haven for your campsite. For general camping tips, see
our sidebar (“Let’s Go Camping: A Practical and Fun Guide to the Great Outdoors and The Great Outdoors,” below), but camping at Sasquatch! presents its own unique
set of challenges.

First off, put a tarp under your tent. If you don’t, you deserve to
be cold and wet. It will rain. Make sure your tent is securely
fastened, then make sure again—the winds at the Gorge are
infamously fierce. You may even want to dismantle your tent each day
and re-pitch it at night, if you are worried about it blowing away
while you are not inside of it (although this is a slight pain in the
keister). But whilst setting up camp, the most important thing is to be
looking for fellow loyal and honorable scouts. You do not want to camp
near tweakers. I shall repeat this: You do not want to camp near
tweakers. In the light of day, a tweaker may be hard to identify,
but here are some easy-to-spot red flags to avoid:

• Does your neighbor’s camp have one of those multi-colored
rotating lights?

• Are there shirtless guys with tattoos walking around?

• Are they blasting Thievery Corporation?

• Is anybody wearing a jester hat?

Stay far, far away from these warning signs.

Instead, look for campsites that proudly display Canadian flags.
(It’s red, or something, with a leaf on it maybe?) All Canadians are
gentle and wise, and the Sasquatch! Festival is full of them, as the
Gorge is but a mere jaunt from the contentious US-Canada border.
Canadians possess a variety of charms and talents, including the
following:

• Good manners.

• Reasonably decent taste in music, except for that whole
Nickelback thing.

• Naïveté—they’re Canadian. They will gladly
share their food and supplies with you if you ask politely.

• At birth, each Canadian is given a magical bauble that, when
rubbed, summons up a cavalry of Mounties, should any trouble
arise.

Lastly, a good scout will want to set up camp reasonably close to a
porta-potty—but not too close.

PORTABLE SURVIVAL PACK

So you’ve established your bivouac—good job! You’re
well on your way to becoming a loyal and honorable Sasquatch! scout.
But for your daily excursions from the campsite to the actual concert,
you’ll need to carry things with you as you go. For this, we shall
refer to the three P’s: packing, preparedness, and
peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches*. Traditional expeditions require
you to bring along such hardy gear as a compass, rustproof canteen,
crossbow, machete, astronomer’s skywheel, GPS, sedan chair, rape
whistle and signal flare, Bobcat backhoe for digging bear pits, and
waterproof matches. However, since the environs of the Gorge
Amphitheater are slightly more hospitable, these items won’t be
necessary.

*Disclaimer: if you have a fatal allergy to peanuts, please refer to
the three alternate P’s: packing, preparedness, and
pussy-mama’s-boy-is-what-you-are.

Items you will need:

• Sturdy, Waterproof Backpack—It rains at the Gorge.
Heavily. Without warning. You might want a poncho, too, if you don’t
mind looking like a nimrod.

• Suntan Lotion—When it’s not dumping rain at the Gorge,
the sun pounds down like a Catholic priest on a choirboy. No, that’s
not an inappropriate metaphor.

• Sunglasses—Just to look cool.

• Earplugs—A must. Three days of blaring rock music takes
its toll on your ears more than you would think.

• Concert Schedule—So you don’t miss your precious
Silversun Pickups.

• Hoodie, or Something Warm—Once the sun goes down, the
Gorge gets mighty cold. Trust us on this; you’ll be happy you lugged it
around as you sweated through the afternoon.

• Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches—You know why
mom made these for you when you were a kid? Because they’re the perfect
food. A single sandwich can fill you for days on end. They don’t need
refrigeration or heat. They’re easy to make. And they’re goddamn
delicious.

• Water Bottles—Sealed plastic bottles only. The folks at
the Gorge don’t want you to spike your drink with anything that might
make you have fun, for crying out loud.

• Lighter—For the slow jamz.

• Camera Phone—If you can’t prove to your friends at home
that you were here by sending them picture messages, there’s really no
point in even coming.

IDENTIFYING THE WILDLIFE

Unsurprisingly, the jangly tones and savage drumbeats of Rock
Music attract a motley crew of rogues. But all rogues are not the same;
many are strict followers of their individual chieftains (or “bands”).
Generally, the nature of the Sasquatch! Festival keeps these diverging
factions in good humor, and little conflict arises—although this
is not always the case. A good scout shall need to stay sharp and on
one’s toes to classify the individual species, and to determine to
which Rock Music Band each specimen pledges allegiance. Take a look at
the different characteristics of each, and see if you can identify
them.

CHARACTERISTICS:
Black lipstick
Edgar Allan Poe quote tattoo
KMFDM shirt
Bottom lip has a rivet through it
Hair dye concealing grey streaks

Answer = Nine Inch Nails fan

CHARACTERISTICS:
Day-Glo T-shirt
Cutoff Shorts
Kanye glasses
Checkered Vans
Jelly wristbands
Goofy Big Bird hair

Answer = Girl Talk fan

CHARACTERISTICS:
Backward baseball cap
Steroid-enhanced muscles
Too-tight T-shirt
Barbed wire tattoo
Roofies tucked away in pocket
Flip flops

Answer = Ben Harper fan

CHARACTERISTICS:
Long hair
Beard
B.O.
Israeli accent
Nearly nude

Answer = lead singer from Monotonix

CHARACTERISTICS:
Collared shirt with logo
Nametag that reads “Shoshanna”
Khaki pants
Orange skin
Possibly hitting on you

Answer = sales rep trying to sell you a cell phone
plan

LET’S GO CAMPING: A Practical and Fun Guide to the Great Outdoors and The Great
Outdoors

by Erik Henriksen, the only person on the Mercury editorial staff who has ever been outside for more than five minutes.

BE PREPARED: It’s like my super-friendly scoutmaster always
said when he made sure we had all packed enough rain gear, matches,
sunscreen, trail mix, and KY: You never know what’s going to happen
in the woods.

BURN STUFF: Fires will keep you warm, and they also scare off
dangerous wild animals! Like that annoying fucker Smokey Bear.

WHEN CHOOSING A CAMPSITE, AVOID THE FORBIDDEN FOREST: Seriously. Trust Hagrid on this one.

CAMPGROUNDS ARE FOR SUCKAZ: Do you know how much it is for an
“official” camping permit at Sasquatch? Like $200! Eff that. A
reasonable alternative is camping wherever the fuck you want. A Google
Earth search of George, Washington (a town which used to be known as
“Denzel”) reveals many homes, most of which have yards. Camp there. If
homeowners complain, light them on fire.

HEY, REMEMBER THAT MOVIE THE GREAT OUTDOORS,
WITH JOHN CANDY AND DAN AYKROYD?: Man, that movie is hilarious!
Actually, if you’re feeling lazy, you should just rent that movie
instead of going camping. It’s more or less the exact same thing. Or
rent Harry and the Hendersons, because there’s actually a
sasquatch in that, UNLIKE AT SASQUATCH!, WHERE THEY ADVERTISE SASQUATCH
BUT ACTUALLY JUST MAKE YOU LISTEN TO BORING BANDS THAT EVERYBODY’S
ALREADY HEARD A KAZILLION TIMES. Also recommended is the 2002
direct-to-DVD horror classic Sasquatch, starring my real father,
Lance Henriksen.

“PITCH A TENT”: Come on by, ladies! I’ll be happy to give you
a demonstration.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Many of the larger names at Sasquatch! are well established,
whether they be old or new. For example, Kings of Leon brought a hit
song about a burning case of red-tiger crabs, “Sex on Fire,” to the
masses a few months ago. Meanwhile, Ben Harper’s slow jamz have been
soundtracking dorm-room date rapes since the mid-’90s. And the
doddering septuagenarians of Jane’s Addiction have peddled their brand
of heroin-sparked hooker-rock off and on for decades; all the while,
the Grand Wizard of Douchebaggery himself, Dave Navarro, has valiantly
refused to put on a shirt for even a single instant.

But for the adventuresome scout, these tired-and-true Rock Bands
will not suffice. One of the pleasures of the Sasquatch! Festival is
the convergence of Bands large and small, famous and obscure, upon one
locale. Indeed, even a novice tenderfoot, if they are quick of wit and
fleet of foot, can see many new Bands in a short span of time. Here are
some suggestions for Bands that are well worth seeking out—keep
your eyes wholly peeled and your jackknives fully whetted.

BON IVER—The windswept falsetto harmonies of Bon Iver
have their origins in the deep woods of Wisconsin; there, songwriter
Justin Vernon trapped his own game, made his own clothing out of pelts,
and recorded the devastating break-up album For Emma, Forever
Ago. (Well, the part about the album is true.) Earlier this year,
Bon Iver released the Blood Bank EP, and despite its brevity,
it’s even better. The simple title track is on the short list for song
of the year, ending with a circling climax that’s indescribably
emotional, and “Woods” takes Kanye’s Auto-Tune to the chopping block
and splinters it into a million pieces of kindling. If Fleet Foxes are
the Star Wars of the multi-harmony acoustic-based indie rockers,
then Bon Iver is the The Empire Strikes Back—just as
exhilarating, but deeper, darker, and with no guarantee of a happy
ending.

THE WRENS—The Wrens are the prick teasers of the indie
rock world, inciting severe cases of blueballs in fans the world over.
But it’s not their fault. After the release of their second album in
1996, the head of their record label—Alan Meltzer, the tin-eared
dunce who later signed Creed—decided the Wrens weren’t mainstream
enough and left them languishing in an ironclad contract while refusing
to release their music. Thankfully, the Wrens broke free of their cage
and released the magnificent The Meadowlands in 2003. The power
pop ensemble is touring again with unflappably joyous songs and a new
album on the way. Meanwhile, by being indirectly responsible for “With
Arms Wide Open” reaching the ears of millions, Meltzer’s place in Hell
is well assured.

TOBACCO—Frontman Tobacco of psych-electro band Black
Moth Super Rainbow (see pg. 21) is performing with that band at
Sasquatch!, but he’s also doing a solo set in support of last year’s
solo release Fucked Up Friends. The record is a lo-fi Solid
Gold dance party, with chubby analog tones, sparkly sound effects,
crumpled fuzz-beats, and swanky Innervisions-style synth bass.
Don’t miss Tobacco’s set in the dance tent, which will be a
butt-bangin’ dance party with some of the drippiest jams from Fucked
Up Friends, and probably some new, unreleased beats. You are
welcome to bring your own fucked-up friends, but if you don’t, you will
definitely be able to make some new ones.

THE DUTCHESS AND THE DUKE—Seattle duo (and sometimes
trio) the Dutchess and the Duke have played several Portland shows in
recent months, including opening for the legendary Vaselines a couple
weeks back. Billing the twee-tinged folk songs of the Dutchess and the
Duke with the cuddly pre-grunge of that fabled Scottish duo was nothing
less than the perfect pairing of old and new. But the Sasquatch!
Festival, too, will be an ideal backdrop for the Dutchess and the
Duke’s songs, which have been described as “campfire punk.” (Please
note that because Sasquatch! organizers still don’t want to allow
anything that might make you have fun, actual campfires are not
allowed at the festival.) With twin guitars and sparse arrangements,
D&D at times sound like a throwback, but you’ll be singing along
like the loyal, honorable scout that you are.