Will Someone Please Adopt...


Here at the Mercury, we're terribly concerned about the rising number of homeless kittens—which is why we're devoting space every week to cats considered unadoptable. WILL YOU OPEN YOUR HEART AND HOME TO ONE OF PORTLAND'S UNWANTED KITTENS?

Meet Scruffles, the GOP Kitten. She's a two-month-old, ginger tabby who loves warm snuggles. Also...

• Scruffles thinks evolution is a construct invented by atheists. She firmly believes that only strict compliance with the true word of God will rescue America from its escalating worship of sodomy and its eventual descent into the fiery pits of Hell.

• Scruffles loves wrestling with balls of yarn, and giving affectionate "head butts" during cuddle time.

• Scruffles believes "climate change" is not supported by scientific data, and is actually a scheme to put Americans out of work. This adorable kitten further believes that even if there is such a thing as global warming, humans (and kittens) are not the cause.

• Scruffles is an energetic, loving cat with a mischievous streak. Just watch what she'll do with an empty box and a laser pointer!

• Scruffles hates immigrants. Documented or otherwise.

• Scruffles enjoys napping in the sunshine, and her gentle snoring sounds like a teeny-tiny race car.

• Scruffles will not accept a homosexual household.

• Scruffles gets along very well with children and old people—especially those living in Christian environments.

• Scruffles will not accept a household that depends on government assistance.

• Who's that hiding in the pant leg of your jeans? Why, it's Scruffles!

• Scruffles will love you, even though she hates your sin. (Such as drug use, which she considers to be a moral failing.)

• Scruffles enjoys licking her tiny little paws and cleaning her tiny little face! TOO... CUTE!

• Scruffles has been spayed, and comes with a microchip ID—though she has so far refused her vaccines. (Scruffles claims they are a violation of our individual liberty.)

To adopt Scruffles, please contact Multnomah County Republicans at 503-956-0919.