ATTENTION PUNY VOTER! It am Hulk—your next mayor! Last week, Hulk announce mayoral campaign! This week, Hulk and Thor pass out "VOTE HULK J" flyers at Pioneer Courthouse Square! (Thor mostly just hitting on teenagers—but Hulk still appreciate help.) So far puny voters want to know one thing: "Where Hulk stand on issues?" Well, HERE where Hulk stand on issues!
Hulk SMASH Minimum Wage!—Hulk admit it... Hulk not great at math. When Hulk worked for Avengers, Tony Stark paid Hulk with Monopoly money for three months before Captain America let Hulk in on "joke"! REAL FUNNY, TONY STARK! Anyway, Hulk think $15 an hour salary for mayor am fair! Puny Charlie Hales make... WHAT? $130,000 a year??? Hulk not need that much money! Hulk just need new purple pants so Mayor Hulk look handsome! In fact... forget money. Puny Portlanders can pay Hulk in tacos!
Hulk SMASH Uber!—Puny Portland politicians mad about Uber! "Uber illegal!" "Uber unethical!" Hulk agree! Last week Uber driver "Greg" got REALLY mean when Hulk threw up in his Subaru Legacy. Listen, GREG. Hulk got stood up by Black Widow, so Hulk needed a FEW BEERS. Hulk not need JUDGMENT from mean Greg! Hulk need UNDERSTANDING. When Hulk mayor, Hulk SMASH Uber! Besides, if puny humans need to get somewhere, just text Hulk! Hulk throw you wherever you want to go! (Unless you am mean Greg. Mean Greg can WALK.)
Hulk SMASH Oil Train!—Puny hippies scared of oil train. But not Hulk! One time Hulk SMASHED oil train! Good idea, right? WRONG! Hulk cause "major ecological disaster." But it okay! Hulk call Doctor Strange, and him use magic! Now no one even remember it happen! Hulk good problem solver.
Hulk SMASH Puny Human Cat Owners Who Use Laundromat Machine!—If puny human have cat, puny human buy OWN laundromat machine! Last week Hulk go to laundromat to wash Hulk pants! But someone left CAT HAIR all over machine! ARRGH!! Hulk allergic to cats! (And Nightcrawler.) Does anyone know if Ted Wheeler have cat? It probably that dick Ted Wheeler!
VOTE HULK FOR PORTLAND MAYOR: BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO SMASH!!
Paid for the by the Incredible Friends of the Incredible Hulk (AKA Tony Stark, who put "Vote Ted Wheeler" sticker on Iron Man suit just to be mean).