Getty / Yuri_Arcurs

Rejoice, armour’d knights and busty wenches! For as spring’s sweet breeze doth tickle our nethers, the seasonne for Renaissance Faires doth approach!

Alas, before we make merrie in fecunde fields and feaste upon elephant eares, I hath been informed by thine organizers of the Portland Association of Renaissance Faires, LLC that in order to attende this year’s festivities, I must maketh amends for mine behaviors at last seasonne’s faires. I doffe my bejeweled crowne in agreement, for I am happy to do so!

• Angela Jenkins, I am moste sorrie for asking thou to wrappeth ribbons ’roundeth mine maypole.

• Burt Schaffer, I am moste sorrie for expelling vomite into thine wondrous cottonne candie machine.

• Jason Vaughan, I am moste sorrie for pushing over ye olde Honey Bucket whilst thou wast inside.

• Kristen Williams, I am moste sorrie for convincing thou that “contests of wette t-shirts” are an olden tyme traditionne.

• Lords and Ladies of the Vale, I am moste sorrie for setting flame to the stage during the harp concerte, thus causing a greate amount of panicke and disarraye.

• Matt Boyle, I am moste sorrie for spraye-painting a dicke on the back of thine centaur costumme.

• Chances are verie goode that if thou attended any Renaissance Faire in the greater Portlande area last seasonne, I coughed upon thou and told thou ’twas “the Blacke Plague.” I am moste sorrie! ’Twas actuallie hepatitis A.

• I am moste sorrie for touchinge mineself in the Bouncy Castle.

I believeth that doth cover mine moste recente offenses! Should I have forgottonne any, please emaileth me at, and, for mine own purposes, please includeth a recente picture of thyself in thy sexiest Renaissance Faire costumme. Otherwise, I shall see thou soone... at the Renaissance Faire!