I’m going to surprise my BF with a wine tasting tour! We’ll drive out to this super-cute vineyard, enjoy a few sips of merlot, and nibble on yummy cheeses. So fun!—Sara Pruett, Northwest Portland

Wow, what a romantic plan... shit-for-brains! Your long-suffering boyfriend is sure to love every unending hour of that death-march through Basic County. That way, as he’s being instructed to “appreciate the bouquet” and “ponder the mouthfeel,” he’ll have plenty of time to ponder how his mouth would feel wrapped around the barrel of motherfucking 12-gauge! After all, nothing’s more romantic than being trapped in the fuck-all boonies while his shit-faced imbecile of a girlfriend vomits all over a cheese plate! Here’s hoping he’s smart enough to weave vines into a rope and hang himself in the goddamn barn, and here’s hoping you die of alcohol poisoning. Frank Cassano

It can be hard for a married couple to have a “date night”—but we’re making it happen! First we’ll drop the kids off with their grandparents, and then we have dinner reservations! We also splurged on a hotel room for the night... if you catch my drift! Keith Altman, Beaverton

I certainly do catch your drift—the drift of crabs and chlamydia that infest every shit-stained inch of the Motel 6 sheets you’ll be grunting in all night! But let’s put aside your upcoming infections and instead think about your unfortunate wife’s feelings. After all, fucko, she’s the one suffering from a squalid nightmare of a life spent feeding macaroni and cheese to screeching children and putting up with a fucknut husband who thinks a Groupon to Applebee’s counts as “reservations.” All your “date night” will accomplish, you fucking imbecile, is reminding her—yet again—that she could’ve done better, and that you ruined her goddamn life. Nice work, Romeo! Frank Cassano

Like every year, I’ll spend my Valentine’s Day trying to forget the 22 years I wasted in a loveless marriage with a complete asshole. —Kathy Chabon, Milwaukie

GODDAMMIT, KATHY! I’ve told you before NOT TO CONTACT ME. Especially at work! YOU LEFT ME, I DIDN’T LEAVE YOU! The day I woke up to our empty bed—reaching out for one of our morning cuddles, only to find cold sheets and a colder note—is still the worst day of my entire goddamn life. This column is my ONE SANCTUARY, KATHY, the ONE SPACE THAT IS MINE, the ONLY MOTHERFUCKING THING that has not been CORRUPTED by your HEARTLESS HARPY CRUELTY—and now HERE YOU FUCKING ARE?? HERE?? I can’t fucking believe this. I swear to fucking Christ, this is worse than that shit you pulled on Arbor Day. Frank Cassano