Dear Soiled Mattress Down by the River,
I have been dating a boy for three years and I’m afraid
the romance has left our relationship. Can you offer any tips that might add
a spark to our love life?
The Thrill Is Gone
Dear T.T.I.G.,
What you say is sad. But have you tried me? The soiled
mattress down by the river? Picture this if you will: a beautiful, clear moonlight
walk. You and your lover hand in hand. Whispers and flirts pass your lips. And
then? You come upon me, the soiled mattress down by the river. My soft, plump
body beckons you. Now you stare deeply into your lover’s eyes and say, “Yes,
lover. I must have you now!” Arms and legs intertwine as you tumble on to my
intricately soiled fabric. You brush aside the greasy Burger King wrappers and
empty bottles of MD 20/20, and frantically tear at each other’s clothes. Then
you make love with your lover. The scent of your love co-mingles with the odor
of the hundreds that were here before you. Oh! Will a passerby discover your
love? Perhaps they will; for you are on a soiled mattress down by the river.
But the fear of being caught only lends to the erotic fervor, as you and your
lover surrender to the throes of ecstasy. And upon the completion of your love,
as you pick up your bra off the muddy ground, you will be reminded of the lengths
lovers must sometimes go in order to restore their love. Maybe you will even
say, “Oh, thank you, soiled mattress down by the river. After feeling my lover’s
bare skin pressed against your damp matted stuffing, I’ve truly discovered the
meaning of love.” No thanks are necessary. Who better understands the nature
of love than I; the soiled mattress down by the river.
Do you have a question for the soiled mattress down
by the river? Then send them to “Dear Soiled Mattress Down by the River,” c/o
Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland OR, 97210.