New Column!

• What Is WRONG with This Fucking Dog Sleigh? by Matthew McConaughey

• Check Out My Fancy Chalet! by Matthew McConaughey

• I’ll Kick Your Ass in Croquet! by Matthew McConaughey

• Who Really Killed JonBenét? by Matthew McConaughey

• I Adore the Music of Robert Goulet—by Matthew McConaughey

• Hip Hop Hooray! by Matthew McConaughey

• Drown Me in Your Genital Spray—by Matthew McConaughey

• I Suspect Foul Play—by Matthew McConaughey

• Cabernet or Chardonnay? by (HIC!) Matthew McConaughey

• Why Are You Trying to Sell Me a Fake Monet? by Matthew McConaughey

• Oh, How I Despise You, Bobby Flay! by Matthew McConaughey

• Pass Me That Dossier, Teenage Military Attaché! by Matthew McConaughey

• SQUEEE! I Just Met Tina Fey! by Matthew McConaughey

• Hey, Obamacare! What’s the Delay? by Matthew McConaughey

• How Does One Become a Member of the NRA? by Matthew McConaughey

• I’m Saving My Sperm for a Rainy Day—by Matthew McConaughey

• I’m Crocodile Dundee! G’day! by Matthew McConaughey

• Hey Bull! I Said ‘Ole!’ by Matthew McConaughey

• You Murdered That Woman, OJ! by Matthew McConaughey

• You Call This a Grad School Essay? by Matthew McConaughey

• Who Celebrates Flag Day? by Matthew McConaughey

• Can You Please Put up Your Seat Tray? by Matthew McConaughey

• Won’t You Take a Ride in My Cabriolet? by Matthew McConaghey

• What the Fuck Is Armistice Day? by Matthew McConaughey

• You Exhibit So Much Naiveté—by Matthew McConaughey

• I Dropped My Phone in San Francisco Bay (dear god that was a stretch) by Matthew McConaughey

• You Seriously Call This a Cheese Tray? by Matthew McConaughey

• Should I Star in the Broadway Musical Hairspray? by Matthew McConaughey

• It Is NOT “Gay” to Shop for a Duvet! by Matthew McConaughey

• Life Is a Cabaret—by Matthew “with a Z” McConaughey

• I Just Don’t Understand Modern Ballet—by Matthew McConaughey

• My Birthday’s on Leap Day—by Matthew McConaughey, Age 11

• Eating My Curds and Whey—by Li’l Miss Muffet McConaughey

• I Love That Song from Godspell… Oh, What Is It… “Day by Day”—by Matthew McConaughey

• Screw You, I’ve Got the Right of Way! by Matthew McConaughey

• WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? by Matthew McConaughey

• (Sob!) I’ll Never Work with You Again, Michael Bay! by Matthew McConaughey

• Sarah Jessica Parker Is Such a Cliché! by Matthew McConaughey

• The Cow Says “Moo,” the Horse Says “Neigh”—by Matthew McConaughey

• Why Won’t Anyone Invite Me to Their Soiree? by Matthew McConaughey

• Asparagus Is a Good Source of Vitamin K—by Matthew McConaughey

• Who’s Been Fingering My Potter’s Clay? by Matthew McConaughey

• I’m Unsure How to Use this Bidet… by Matthew McConaughey

Okay, fine! Think you can do better? Name Matthew McConaughey’s column in the comments below!