HERE AT the Mercury, we’re terribly concerned about the rising number of homeless bunnies—which is why we’re devoting space every week to bunnies considered unadoptable. WILL YOU OPEN YOUR HEART AND HOME TO ONE OF PORTLAND’S UNWANTED BUNNIES?
Meet Nibbles, the Islamic State Bunny. He’s an adorable, six-month-old Netherland Dwarf rabbit, and he’s a cuddly and affectionate companion! Also…
• Nibbles should not be left alone with swords, knives, machetes, hacksaws, or other sharp objects—particularly while you’re sleeping.
• Nibbles would love a large backyard… he certainly likes to hop, hop, hop!
• Nibbles’ yard will require a sturdy fence, as he can be intensely focused on hopping in the general direction of Syria.
• Nibbles loves to sit on his hind legs while nibbling baby carrots!
• Nibbles is best suited for a non-Christian household.
• Nibbles loves long, luxurious ear rubs…
• … and destroying ancient works of irreplaceable art with a sledgehammer.
• Nibbles loves napping in purses—with his little bunny bottom sticking up in the air! Nibbles!
• Nibbles has been known to use Facebook and Snapchat to encourage teenagers to join the Islamic State.
• Nibbles will sometimes “sing” (squeak) for an extra special treat—like a banana!
• It is not advisable for Nibbles to live in the same home as journalists, aid workers, or political cartoonists.
• When Nibbles is curious, he’ll twitch his little nose and wiggle his little ears!
• Nibbles should not be allowed access to your YouTube account. Nibbles has been known to upload some pretty messed-up stuff.
• Nibbles expresses happiness with a “bunny dance,” in which he runs, leaps, and twists his body in the air.
• Nibbles may attempt to seize and take control of certain sections of your home, creating a “caliphate” and declaring himself the supreme leader of the world’s 3.8 billion bunnies. He might also pee on your bed.
To adopt Nibbles, you don’t have to do anything! He will contact you via Facebook or Snapchat.
Nibbles was raised with nurturing, loving care by a family of CIA agents and if they can’t find a new home for their bunny child, they’ll just set him loose into the wild.
I’ll just eat Nibbles, I like my rabbit carrot fed and 1 less Islamic State bunny in the world it’s a win/win