Sorry to bother you, Mr. Racklin, but I’ve had a leaky shower head for the past six months. Now, the last thing I want to do is “nag,” but I’ve sent you three reminders about this—and since you pay utilities, I figured you wouldn’t be happy about the increased water bill. Can you please send someone out to fix it?—Arthur Thomas, Apartment 316

For someone who claims to not be a nag, it sure sounds like you’re doing a lot of fucking nagging. Tell you what, Artie: Since you’re SO concerned about wasting my water and money, I’m gonna fix the problem! From now on, YOU’RE paying all utilities. Retroactively. Problem solved. NEXT!

My mother has been diagnosed with advanced leukemia, and…—Donna Carey, Apartment 137

Oh no you don’t, Donna! Let me stop you right there—NO, YOU MAY NOT PAY YOUR RENT “A FEW DAYS LATE!” Your rent is due on the FIRST OF THE MONTH, you freeloading deadbeat! That is the contract you SIGNED, and that is the contract you will OBEY—or else you’ll be out on the fucking street. P.S. Say hi to your mom for me. NEXT!

I recently received your letter regarding your intention to increase the monthly rent for my studio apartment from $650 to $2,999. That seems a bit excessive to me. Is there any chance we can meet to talk about this?—Marilyn Johnson, Apartment 242

We can absolutely meet to talk about this. I understand that rent increases can be confusing and frustrating, but I welcome the opportunity to have an open, frank discussion about the financial pressures that, unfortunately, require me to raise your rent. So what do you say we meet next Tuesday at 5 pm at the homeless encampment under the Burnside Bridge? Oh, and be sure to bring all your things, because you’re fucking EVICTED. (Also, bring me a check for $95 if you still want an eight-minute conversation. After all, time is money.) NEXT!

Do YOU have a question for Portland landlord Jerry Racklin? Send it to Ask a Portland Landlord!, c/o the Portland Mercury, 115 SW Ash, Suite 600, Portland, OR, 97204. Attach a check for $250. NEXT!

12 replies on “New Column!”

  1. Hi Jerry,

    When I moved out last month (after receiving my no-cause termination notice) I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, I even paid for a professional cleaning service to make sure the job got done. But you still charged me $400 for cleaning, $600 for yard work, and $200 for carpet cleaning (I didn’t have any carpets?), and $150 to replace a broken tile that was broken when I moved in (I have pictures). My total deposit was $1000, and now you want me to pay you an additional $350 or else you’ll take me to court. My new security deposit was $2400, and I was hoping to use some of the money I’d get back from you to offset that cost.

    Surely there must be some mistake. Can we talk about this?

  3. My mother was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer at the beginning of Winter term of my second year of college. My financial aid disbursement came reliably between the 15th-25th of the month at the start of each term.

    My landlord evicted us on the 22nd.

    I had to drop college to care for my mother.

    We ended up homeless for a year as we fought him in court. We won, but no one will rent to you while you’re fighting an eviction. (We lived – no joke – at work.)

    My mother died 6 months after the eviction…while we were still fighting the landlord.

    I hope he loses his home in a fire.

  4. Sara, I’m really sorry to hear about what’s been going on with you. Stay strong.

    And to the Mercury: Is this new column supposed to be funny? It’s not. It’s fucking insulting.

  5. Apparently TheOnlySanePersonInTheWorld does not understand sarcasm. I credit you for your caring, but seriously dude, you thought this shit was anything but making fun of shitty landlords?

  8. @Margot – So take him to court. It only costs $50 to file in Multnomah County, and neither side can use a lawyer. There is a LOT of case history against landlords that try to profit from security deposits, so based on your comments here it should be a really easy case. There is a whole system set up to help people with complaints like yours, for almost no cost.

    http://courts.oregon.gov/Multnomah/docs/fo…

  9. Maybe it’s not funny.

    Maybe the fact that the joke isn’t actually funny at all is the whole fucking point and this is a serious critique posing as sarcasm. (Which would make it meta-funny. And Portland loves meta.)

    But, uh, I can’t see into the heart of the author, so your guess is as good as mine.

  10. Reymont: Mine was a collage of stories I’ve heard online. They’ve been to court, they lost.

    What other business gets to preemptively collect for damages at the beginning of a business relationship? Why is it incumbent on the tenant to take the time, money, and energy to take the landlord to court for egregious charges? Why isn’t normal wear and tear better defined?

  11. @Margot:

    “What other business takes security deposits?” Are you crazy? Almost any rental industry takes security deposits, whether it’s vehicles, tools, heavy equipment, stereo equipment, party equipment like bouncy castles, and even some hotel rooms. Did you seriously not know that? If you didn’t, why the hell should anyone listen to you about housing regulations?

    “Why is it incumbent?” In civil court, it’s always incumbent on any wronged party to use the courts. That’s how the court system in the US works. Did you seriously not know that? If you didn’t, why the hell should anyone listen to you about housing regulations?

    “Why isn’t wear and tear better defined?” Well, here’s a list that Multnomah County puts out. How much more detail do you want? I get the impression that you don’t know anything about the things you post about. https://multco.us/file/9038/download

    **Ordinary Wear and Tear (Landlord’s Responsibility)**
    Curtains faded by the sun
    Water-stained vinyl flooring by shower
    Minor marks or nicks in wall
    Dents in the wall where the door handle bumped it
    Moderate dirt or spotting on carpet
    A few small tack or nail holes in the wall
    Run worn thin by normal use
    Worn gaskets on refrigerator doors
    Faded paint on bedroom wall
    Dark patches of ingrained soil on hardwood floors
    Warped cabinet doors won’t close
    Stains on old porcelain fixtures that have lost their protective coating
    Moderately dirty mini-blinds
    Bathroom mirror beginning to “de-silver”
    Clothes dryer delivers code air because the thermostat has given out
    Toilet flushes inadequately because mineral deposits have clogged the jets

    **Excessive Damage (Tenant’s Responsibility)**
    Cigarette burns in curtains or carpets
    Broken tiles in bathroom
    Large markes on, or holes in wall
    Lots of picture holes or gouges in walls that require patching and repainting
    Rips burns or urine stains from pets in the carpet
    Door off hinges
    Stains in rug caused by leaking fish tank
    Broken refrigerator shelf
    Damage on walls from plants
    Water stains on wood floors caused by window left open in the rain
    Sticky cabinets and interiors
    Grime-coated bathtub and toilet
    Missing or broken mini-blinds
    Mirrors caked with lipstick and makeup (black spots)
    Dryer that won’t turn on at all because it’s been overloaded
    Toilet won’t flush property because it’s stopped up with a diaper or other items not meant to be flushed

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