by Francine Colman-Gutierrez

HI. I’m Francine Colman-Gutierrez. Here are some Valentine’s Day things that you are wrong about.

Buying her chocolate: You’re wrong about that—unless she specifically asked for diabetes.

Buying her flowers: Thanks for the dead plants, boyfriend.

Buying her lingerie: That’s gross.

Buying her sex toys: Does she buy you power tools?

Writing her a love song: Ugh. Just please don’t.

Writing her poetry: NEVER NEVER NEVER OKAY.

Taking her out for a fancy dinner: That’s wrong. On second thought, I could eat.

Buying her anything: Just wash your crotch and try being nicer.

Giving valentines to family members: What are you doing? That’s fucking sick, you sick fuck.

Saying your cat is your valentine: The feeling is NOT mutual.

Wearing valentine sweaters: Wrong. You look like a sad, lonely idiot.

Buying him sexy underpants: Whooo! Whooo! Here comes the Emasculation Train! Allll abooooaarrrd!

Writing different kinds of kisses (peck, passionate, on the cheek, etc.) on pieces of paper, putting them in a bag, and giving the kind of kiss they chose: OH VOMIT.

Making a romantic candlelit dinner for two at home, followed by a sensual massage, and a romantic movie: OH VOMIT!

Putting lipstick kisses on the bathroom mirror: Blecchh! There’s toothpaste spit and fecal matter on there!

Leaving a trail of red foil-wrapped Hershey’s Kisses all the way to the bedroom: Seriously. Fucking stop it.

Sending a card postmarked from a town with a romantic name, like Loveland, Colorado, or Valentine, Texas: What?!? That doesn’t even make any sense!

Learning exciting new Kama Sutra moves: Or, you know, you could just figure out how to give a decent blowjob.

Renewing your vows: Maybe you should have just meant them the first time.

6 replies on “Returning Column!”

  5. Ok I get it. Men don’t get Valentine’s Day any more than we get… Anything. Judging by your list of “don’ts” you are clearly an expert veteran of love. So what are the “do’s” Francine? You’re a hot, educated and hip lady, what do you and your Beau have planned? I’m assuming my “Starwars on acid with a cash covered mattress” plan will also fail your litmus test on love. (Or does that sound ok? Call me 😉

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