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There used to be a mall there: Russian missiles destroy a shopping center in Kyiv, killing eight.
There used to be a mall there: Russian missiles destroy a shopping center in Kyiv, killing eight. Anastasia Vlasova / Getty News

GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! You've made it through the first work day of the week... ALMOST. Let's seal the deal by checking out the day's top NEWSY-NEWS.


• Whoopsy-doodle! The dark money, extra-sketchy political group People for Portland have been accused of violating state election law by actively campaigning against some local leaders (including Metro Prez Lynn Peterson) in a recent online ad. That's a no-no unless the group registers with the state, reveals how much they're spending to shit on certain officials and, most importantly, WHO'S DONATING TO THEIR SKETCHY CAUSE. If the state agrees they've crossed the line, then they won't be a "dark money" group much longer!

• To the surprise of no one, big business is lining up to challenge the Oregon legislature's Climate Action Plan which pledges a 90 percent cut in gas emissions by 2050. Fossil fuel companies, loggers, and other biz types say the plan sets a "dangerous precedent" in trying to save people's lives and that the state has also “overstepped its authority” by trying to save people's lives.

• TODAY IN SPORTING NEWS: It was announced today that beloved Blazer Dame Lillard will be sitting out for the rest of this season to fully heal from his recent abdominal surgery. GET BETTER SOON, DAME!

• Our Elinor Jones returns with another hilarious, gossip-packed edition of THE TRASH REPORT. This week: Republican baby-nappers, manufactured elk drama, and which horny mature whale are YOU?

• In WEATHER, expect a mostly sunny day tomorrow after today's drenching, with highs popping up to... whoa! 70 degrees!


• Hundreds of thousands are trapped in the Ukrainian city of Mariupol, and thousands more have died, as Russia continues to rain missiles down upon their heads, and demanding the surrender of the city—so far Ukraine is refusing as the residents struggle to escape and survive. Putin's military also attacked a mall in Kyiv, killing eight.

• Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson made a vow of "neutrality" today in the opening day of her nomination process for the Supreme Court, with Democrats cheering the possibility of the Court having its first Black woman justice, while Republicans... well, you know... are still crying over how Justice Kavanaugh (convincingly accused of sexual assault) was treated oh-so-horribly.

• In other "Justice" news (or "injustice" depending on how you look at it): Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has been hospitalized with an "infection" that according to the court is not COVID-19. We'll see what happens I guess!

• Hey Wordle fans! This one's for you:

• It's the LAST WEEKEND to stream the hilarious, sexy, and hot HUMP! Film Fest 2022! Get those tickets here!

• And finally, this is me powering through the rest of this week: