And some of us in the Mercury news room have spent the last few minutes trying to imagine what it might look like. Email me your entries. Win a prize. Sarah Mirk is going to the actual launch in an hour or so. God save her.

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Here’s January “the intern” Vawter’s effort:

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And Patrick Coleman’s, which is truly chilling, thanks to the addition of the duck…

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Update, 3:20: Here’s a few early reader submissions…

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We_help_kids_lost_on_the_Max.jpg
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Matt Davis was news editor of the Mercury from 2009 to May 2010.

18 replies on “Cops Release “Kids’ Guide To What We Do””

  1. That is some seriously snarky shit and is a disservice to the vast majority of the PPB that do an incredibly hard job. Sara what about the officers working on crimes against women, children and the older residents of the community. The misdeeds of a handful angry damaged men and the City’s mismanagement of their censure and punishment does not deserve this blanket, juvenile condemnation. This is a new low even for you.

  2. Haha – @alainb1, do the good working 95% of the cops that tolerate, permit and rally in support of the bad cops have any obligations to police their own?

  5. Hey @ alinb1 – that guy in the nazi uniform is a Portland cop – a captain in charge of many of those hardworking cops you mentioned.

    I wouldn’t let him within 100 feet of my kids much less let him give them reading material. My grandpa knew what to do when he saw guys dressed like that. Maybe we need some WWII vets on the police review board.

  9. here’s my entry:
    Oh, the thrill
    When we kill,
    We scream “PoPiggy Rights”
    and that put’s it all to right!

  11. @alanb1, I’m very much unconcerned about a “disservice” to the PPB. Innocent people getting shot by the police is a MASSIVE disservice to the citizens of Portland and the “pax portlandia.”

    And leaving the “H” off “Sarah” is a serious disservice to Blogtownies. So there.

  12. @alainb1: As the resident expert on the lows Smirk can reach, this is not a new low. This is a low approaching, maybe a half-assed bike article from February ’09. This is no Bad Girls debacle.

  13. Just so I’m clear Jackattak wants me to Die In A Fire and Graham is ready to declare war and start murdering the police “like they did in WWII” because I support officers working with battered women and abused kids.

  14. I can’t draw, nor do I have Photoshop, but mine woulda been:

    “We take all that coke we confiscated earlier today and do it in the kitchens of nightclubs downtown!”

  17. Fellow citizen Alainb1,

    You are not clear. You are indeed a moran. You are a grade A1 nazi-symp moran. Clearly my comments were directed at the armed, city-paid and nazi-uniformed representatives of national socialism like our charming city employee Captain Kruger and not at you. I didn’t even suggest that we have to shoot them, like our noble forefathers did on the beaches and fields of Europe. I personally will settle for a nice trial and hanging. If you are unwilling to shoot them or hang them for their honor-trees and racist government actions, then the removal from our civil service would be the minimum that I would accept.

    Given your misreading of the above comments I am lead to the thought that perhaps our local schools should focus on reading skills rather than attempts at fascist indoctrination by ‘school resource officers’ and their ‘zines’.

    Additionally, you might want to talk to the wives and children of local police officers (who are notoriously immune from prosecution) before you start lionizing our local constabulary as protectors of women and children. See, for example this piece on our neighbors to the north: http://www.seattlepi.com/police/ or perhaps seek an interview with Charlotte Grahn, wife of a Clackamas Sheriff’s deputy. Oh wait – she is dead despite the Portland police investigation into the history of domestic violence against her by her hardworking husband. Never mind. Perhaps Captain Kruger can put her name up in his honor tree?

    Yours, as a man and not a number as always,

    -Number Six

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