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Ukrainian civilians get military training to take on Russian troops as they enter Kiev.
Ukrainian civilians get military training to take on Russian troops as they enter Kiev. Chris McGrath / Getty News

GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Hey you! It’s gorgeous outside! So get out there and soak up a little sun before the rain returns tomorrow night and into Sunday. Then, return directly inside and read this informative edition of Good Afternoon, News! (I’m a smidge bossy!) Okay… LET’S DO SOME HEADLINES.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Local civil rights groups are rightly pissed about the way the Portland Police (with an assist from the city) fed the public and media misinformation about last Saturday’s mass shooting to infer that it was somehow the protesters fault they were shot at. And nope, no acknowledgement or apology from either party yet, either. Our Alex Zielinski will explain further.

• The statewide indoor mask mandate is scheduled to lift on March 19—nearly two weeks ahead of schedule. But what does that mean for schools? While the mandate is lifted for them as well, different districts are so far taking different tactics.

• Portland City Council has unanimously approved the city’s long awaited contract with the Portland Police Association (PPA)—the union (if you want to call it that) for the rank-and-file officers—saying the final agreement is “not perfect.” Meanwhile the PPA prez says he’s “thrilled.” Wonder who’s getting the better end of that deal? Our Alex Zielinski has all the details.

• A new location for Matt’s BBQ, plus new brick-and-mortar locations from the beloved pop-ups Mis Tacones and Mikiko Mochi Donuts—all that and more in our weekly food news roundup!

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Ukrainian forces around the capital city of Kiev are pushing back hard against encroaching Russian troops, momentarily slowing their attempt at decapitating the country’s government—but it’s hard to know how long they’ll be able to hang on, and so the US military is standing by to evacuate Ukraine President Zelensky if necessary. Meanwhile, the US and Europe are combining forces to level sanctions on Putin himself and other top Russian officials by freezing their assets, and to the surprise of NO ONE, right-wing media types and extremists are buying into Putin’s bullshit hook, line, and sinker.

• President Biden has announced that he will nominate Federal Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court who, if confirmed, will be the first Black woman to take on the role. (Stop hoping that the GOP will treat her fairly—it ain’t gonna happen.)

• As expected, the CDC has issued new guidance that will allow most Americans to drop the masks (unless they are in an area where hospitalizations are high), bypass social distancing, and return to indoor crowds. AND YET, the virus persists, scientists are wary of a new, more stealthy version of Omicron, and there’s the unsettling studies that people infected with COVID could be infectious beyond a five-day period.

• According to new DNA evidence, the big black bear known as “Hank the Tank” that has been damaging Lake Tahoe properties is actually THREE different bears—all of whom said, “Oh, right. WE ALL LOOK ALIKE, don’t we??”

• It’s back for 2022! America’s sexiest, funnest dirty movie fest, HUMP! is back and playing RIGHT NOW at Revolution Hall—SO HURRY UP AND GET THEM TICKETS!

• And finally… is it cruelty to make a dog look like every other asshole riding a Segway?

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)