Hey fatcat CEOs! Meet your new worst enemy: THE COMPENSATION CZAR.

Chrysler narrowly avoids bankruptcy thanks to a company who actually knows how to make cars, Fiat.

Note to old people (or anybody for that matter), never ever dare a Texas police officer to taser you.

Anti-abortion nuts say they would like to buy the clinic of murdered abortion provider Dr. George Tiller. Why? Because they haven’t made a horrible situation bad enough.

The publisher of USA Today plans to start selling his newspaper to you via email! It’s the greatest idea ever in the… hey. Wait. Where are you going?? HEY!!!

Okay, how about this idea… a magnetic levitating train that runs from Las Vegas to Disneyland! It’s the perfect way for you to… oh, come on, guys! I was just getting started!!

And finally, check out the awesome new Twitter Tracker on the Tonight Show—which Conan O’Brien inexplicably hates. C’mon, Coco! Don’t poop on the party!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

3 replies on “Good Morning, News!”

  1. Chrysler didn’t avoid bankruptcy…the sale of a large number of Chrysler assets to Fiat was made under the supervision of the bankruptcy court.

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