Get your day off to a heartwarming start by reading this story about former President Bill Clinton and the two reporters he helped rescue from North Korea. Now THAT’S a former president!
Nutbag opens fire in a fitness center, blames the fact that he couldn’t find a girlfriend. Dude… that’s why God invented prostitutes.
Fifty percent of Americans support Obama’s health plan, the other 50 percent don’t give a shit about themselves or the previous 50 percent.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been sworn in for his second term as Iran’s president, saying, “See? That’s something else I have in common with George Bush.”
Two nuclear powered Russian subs have been suspiciously patrolling the east coast of the United States—but I’m thinking it’s a Sean Connery/Hunt for Red October situation. Send in Alec Baldwin!!
Just so you know, Paramount will NOT be screening the summer blockbuster G.I. Joe for critics… because they’re afraid the movie is so incredibly awesome it will blow your asshole into outer space.
Paula Abdul announces that she is leaving American Idol, and is currently looking for other employment in the “bat shit crazy” field.
Think the government’s “cash for clunkers” program is boring? Then you may want to check out Conan’s new “I will explode your car on national TV” program! (What’s that? Oh… sure. I suppose he can blow up your fixie, too.)
Today is Ducknesday. If Clinton couldn’t have gotten the reporters released, the next step would have been sending Howard after them. He could also take Paulas place on AI, as he’s a pretty urbane fellow, er, duck.