WikiLeaks boss Julian Assange makes like the pope and gives a balcony speech from the Ecuadoran Embassy in London, where he’s surrounded by British cops waiting to take him into custody. Assange asked the United States to abandon its “witch hunt” against his secret-sharing web site. Watch unfiltered video here.

Bashar Assad, Syria’s strongman, has to remind everyone, from time to time, that he’s still alive and not just a figment of the ruling party’s imagination. He showed up for Eid prayers at a mosque in Damascus, his first public appearance in six weeks.

If I do nothing else for you today, then at least I’ve given you this fascinating, comprehensive investigation of the Roman Catholic Church’s complicated, strained finances. Thanks, The Economist!

Thanks to robots, human workers are increasingly unnecessary.

Unless, that is, those same workers have an exceptionally sturdy “e-score.” “These [secret] scores can determine whether someone is pitched a platinum credit card or a plain one, a full-service cable plan or none at all. They can determine whether a customer is routed promptly to an attentive service agent or relegated to an overflow call center.”

Willard Romney—defending his steal of a tax rate (at least 13 percent!)—maybe thinks taxes are basically the same thing as charity, on which, you know, he also spends a lot of his money.

OH NO POLITICS IN AMERICA IS INCREASINGLY RIVEN WITH PARTISANSHIP STOP THE PRESSES RIGHT NOW I AM SOOOOO SURPRISED.

This poor guy in Alabama wants to know why the government, fer chrissake, just won’t let him keep his dead wife buried in his own goddamned front lawn. C’mon! It’s what she wanted!

Hahahahaha Jay Leno!

WALMART’S GROWTH ON A MAP. IT’S LIKE LOOKING AT X-RAYS OR WHATEVER CHARTING THE RELENTLESS GROWTH OF AN AGGRESSIVE CANCER!

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Denis C. Theriault is the Portland Mercury's News Editor. He writes stories about City Hall and the Portland Police Bureau, focusing on issues like homelessness, police oversight, insider politics, and...

9 replies on “Good Morning, News!”

  1. So I just got back from visiting friends in the mid-west. My friend’s wife has a system where she gets hundreds of dollars of merchandise a week from Walmart not just for free, but Walmart pays her cash to do so. She’s one of those extreme couponers. She’s literally gotten $1500 on one trip once, while getting thousands of dollars of merchandise as well.

    I’m going to start doing it here.

    There’s some good video’s to learn the trick:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNviveIi7hM…

  3. No dipshit/dipsits. I can’t believe I really have to spell this out here. Walmart’s current policy will pay you cash for overage, if you know how to coupon right. That’s cash you can use to put into local business, farmers market, ect. All at Walmart’s expense, or at least until so many people start doing it that they have to change their policy. You may have to buy a lot of product to get a substantial amount of cash back, but guess what??? You can donate that product to charity.

  4. By the way, when I said “buy” I mean get for free. Like this:

    You purchase 10 Sunday papers, the ones with the most coupons.

    You clip 10 manufacturer coupons for let’s say brand X toothpaste.

    Walmart will price match brand X toothpaste to the cheapest price around, say Walgreens has it for on discount for $1.89.

    You’re manufacturer coupon is for $2.00 off brand X toothpaste.

    Walmart’s policy is to pay the difference back in cash, net .11 cents.

    Do that several hundred times over with as many products that will allow for a net profit, Walmart will be paying you.

    Donate brand X toothpaste at food bank.

    Use cash to buy heirloom tomato’s at farmers market.

    Fuck Walmart.

  5. Ten Sunday newspapers will cost you $20. You’ll have to buy a lot of toothpaste to make that back. Meanwhile Walmart gets reimbursed by the manufacturers, so it loses nothing. The manufacturers are out the cash they spent to try to boost their sales by letting people try their product.

    But I’m happy that you have so much time on your hands. Why don’t you go volunteer at Sisters of the Road?

  6. Oh yes, you have to get a lot of product to make it pan out…and I have seen it pan out to the tune of hundreds of dollars on one trip. And yes, you must have some time on your hands….but just before I visited my friends in the mid-west the single largest flooring wholesaler went bankrupt. Hundreds of people were out of work or unable to collect the money they were owed. My friend’s wife was able too generated an income for the few weeks while her husband was out of work, all from couponing.

    By the way, I frankly don’t give a fuck about Coca-Cola, General Mills, Kellogg’s, Mars, Unilever, Johnson & Johnson, P&G, Nestlé and the rest of the mega corporations that sell to them. Also, Walmart as with most grocery chains receive promotional product at a discount, or for free. They’re not reimbursed with cash.

  7. One more thing there Todd, “Typical right-wing thinking: do unto others, period”…… I didn’t know you were so concerned about the plight of Walmart. Maybe you should direct your comments to this liberal newspaper for equating Walmart to an “aggressive cancer”

  8. Walmart loses nothing, the other companies pass their losses on to consumers, with higher prices…but, hey, you really showed ’em!

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