Good Morning, News!!

1.FLOODS!!! Downtown Cedar Rapids looks a lot like it’s been engulfed by a Quake Lake in China.

2.THIS BUD’S FOR EU!!! The Belgians, famous for fries covered in cheese, pedophilia and beer that makes you fart, want to buy Budweiser, prompting political nationalist outrage. Let’s hope they spare O’Douls for us true patriots.

3.TERMINATING OUR MARRIAGE!!!! Arnold Swarzenegger and his wife back opposing candidates in the general election. Speaking of which, THIS (see right) is a ticket that might stand half a chance, were it not for the fact that Obama’s going to walk into the presidency on a golden carpet wearing a robe of ermine and eagle’s teeth. Arnold and John could market to geriatric fascists AND outspoken Hitler-admiring Hummer-drivers at the same time. Their slogan could be “Change: It happens to other guys, too.” Like impotence! (Sorry, I felt the need to hammer that one home.)

4.THE FRENCH!!! Knock down monuments to our World War Two G.I’s. Zut alors.

5.WIGHOUSE!!! Pop star Amy wears a wig. We think.

Good day.