Ah, Belmont. Following yesterday’s Martin Luther King/Dixie protest, a half-naked mud wrestler decided to throw himself through the window of Stumptown Coffee yesterday afternoon.
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PHOTO: 100% ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF ACTUAL SITUATION…

“Two guys had been messing around in their back yard sitting in a kiddy pool or something, and then it turned into mud wrestling, and I guess they thought it would be funny to run around the streets,” says Stumptown Barista Tim Root. “One of the guys thought it would be funny to jump up on the window here, and then try to leave like a mud smear all the way down, but it just totally shattered, and they ran off.”

Root took off running after the muddy vandal, along with one of the Stumptown roasters and “about eight” customers, asking locals which way they went.

“It wasn’t difficult to spot the guys, because they were covered in mud,” Root continues. “Eventually we found one of them and he was on his cellphone to the shop, saying he’d be willing to pay for the damage.”

The cops got involved, but only to help the mud wrestlers exchange information with the business. “I hope they didn’t get in too much trouble,” says Root, who is now looking at a 6ft by 10ft plywood board on the front of the shop.

“A small group of individuals decided to do some mud wrestling in the back yard of their house,” says the cops’ Public Information Officer Brian Schmautz. “After they were muddy they decided it would be fun to run down Belmont, all muddy. A couple of them thought it would be funny to leave their muddy person print up against the shop window. And when they did that, it shattered. And they got scared and ran. The officers caught up with them, they apologized, said it wasn’t intentional, and the officers said they seemed like decent people just out doing a little mud wrestling, and the individuals civilly compromised [paid for the damage] with the business.”

“For the officers to arrest someone the victim has to want to prosecute,” says Schmautz. Email your tips to news@portlandmercury.com.

Matt Davis was news editor of the Mercury from 2009 to May 2010.

17 replies on “Half-Naked Mud Wrestler Throws Self Through Stumptown Window”

  2. Well, Root, if you don’t want them to get in too much trouble, you should ask them to do a civil compromise, where the judge can drop the charges if your damages get fixed.

  5. I came upon the “cops show up and arrest the guy” portion of this scene, as I was out walking my dog at the time. It was quite an armada–at least 6 cop cars and a fire truck. All the cops had blue latex gloves on, and it looked as though the guy had run back into someone’s driveway, as that’s where about 6 cops were clustered. Kinda hard to not have cops called when there’s a drunk (just speculating here) bloody guy running down the street.

  6. Why the hell would customers run after the guy? It’s not a fucking hijacking, it’s a broken window. I hate Portland.

  8. Why the hell would customers run after the guy?

    Maybe they ran after him because they were concerned about the guy? You can really get lacerated in a bad way crashing through/into a large window like that, and from what I heard he was bleeding pretty badly.

  10. I was there and helped catch the guy. Pretty random and the cops that it was hilarious. A quote from one of the cops (who was speaking to the audience and neighbors) “Nothing to see here. These guys aren’t a danger to anyone except maybe glass.”

    We thought they shattered it on purpose though.

  11. Seriously, what the fuck are you mud wrestling for on a weekday afternoon?

    I guess they couldn’t get a seat at the Bagdad, which seems to be seating 200+ hipsters with beers in front of them every time I drive by there on the way to work in the middle of fucking day.

    Keep Portland Idiotic.

  13. @6 M. Meyer

    If you hate Portland why don’t you fuck off and move somewhere else? Portland would obviously be a better place without you. People try to help others out and you get pissed off. Idiot.

  17. stumptown’s window on the 34th side was also broken recently, and as far as i know, no culprits were identified. so that might help explain the furor of the vigilante reaction.

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